AGAIN, THIS YEAR, SHE IS LATE

When I went “home” last December, I found an old notebook, half broken, where I had written some short stories. I had completely forgotten about it, something that was out of my emotional memory. This is the translation of one of those short stories.

“This year, again , it is my birthday and she is late. They have promised me a beautiful party with kids, grandchildren, great-grand children. I guess I will be the guest of honour “ She looked at her white wrinkled hands, withered by the time.
They were slightly trembling but she could not stand it so she was always with her hands joined softly on her lap. She was waiting for somebody or something since long time.
“I wish I could remember exactly the time when I started to run away from myself…I was probably still young but I did not realise it. Maybe it happened when I got pregnant for the first time…”

She looked at the fireplace, the crackling flame and the same old scent of damp wood when she was a child lost in reveries of gnomes and enchanted forests .
“ Beautiful, this is what I was told since I was born, and I was running after my image. I loved myself in fragments because we did not have a big mirror in our house. I could see my hair curled with the hot iron, or my moist lips, or my long pants or my breast or my arms. I could put my image together after many years when I was trying a dress in a shop. I had already had three children and I froze in front of this stranger who was blushing childish in the big mirror.”

She closed her eyes, letting herself indulge in the old memories; they were so clear that she could feel her heart pounding like many years before. She always had an extraordinary memory which would not let her be free from the past.
“I guess I know now, that I am very old, the uneasiness of my life. I have run after my body because it was the only thing I owned. It was the key to open the door to a better life. I was scared to be late so I got married very young and this body of mine took life. It started to live for him, the first man who told me “good morning” with a warm smile. But I was not myself anymore. Where was I? I gave myself to him, beating the rhythm of my life with pregnancies and miscarriages. My life went by… He did not get old; he was not embracing life like and old accordion out of tune… He was still charming with his grey moustache and his ex-officer’s noble bearing, always kind to anybody. Even to me… because I was... anybody.” One tear rolled down through the sweet hills of her wrinkles. “They are still salty” she thought sadly. The fire was still crackling, warming up her fragile body. A shiver went through her body, shaking her from the immobility.

She thought she should cook something but she was feeling empty.
“ I wanted to be immortal but I lived for the others. My husband, my kids, my family. I did not enjoy my own existence because I humbled myself in the love for them and time has gone by so quickly…what a bad joke. I am alone with this body that does not belong to me. I do not want it, it is not mine , it belongs to someone else…” She closed her eyes again trying to control her breathing, the heart pounding wildly.
An external observer would have thought she was dead because of her immobility. But her vivid mind was thinking that ,again this year Death was late.


Love & Rainbow
Copyright2010LorenzaVerdini

REMEMBER THIS SIMPLE THOUGHT

One of the best and most precious knowledge I am getting from my actual journey is LIVING THE PRESENT MOMENT. It is a kind of unreal concept because we know where we are in this right moment.

Where is my body? It is here, right in front of the computer.
Where is my breath? It is here , in within my body.
Where is my mind? My mind is busy giving my hands the commands to write what it is inside (paying attention to the spelling!), but usually the mind is in the past or in the future.

This feverish activity is what make us tired and stressed; we do not get fatigue from the physical work but from the bee which is eternally buzzing in the mind.
So we are basically under the dominance of the mind that controls our energies, moves, thoughts. This part of the mind is the intellect or ego. I also like to call it the Censor because it produces mostly criticizing thoughts which attack the creative side, the Child or Artist that is in all of us. I already mentioned the amazing book “The Artist way” from Julia Cameron, didn’t I?

So, the mind gets entangled in many things and worries which drain our life force.
There are four main entanglements of the mind:
1. Children: we have lots of fears and worries for their lives and future
2. Money: it is either worry or attachment to it
3. What people think about me: am I accepted in this society?
4. Attachment to life through the body: I don’t want to get old.

To be free from these entanglements we must remember something easy and natural: we are all going to die.

The thought of death makes you free from all these entanglements that buzz in the mind and don’t let you live in the present moment.
The same thought gives you courage to fully live.

I had lots of fun when I was asked to imagine my dead body and write my own eulogy. This is what came out.

We are all gathered today to celebrate a beautiful soul who has just left us. She was not only my best and precious friend, the one who made me laugh when I needed to; the one who was there when I needed her support.
She was not only the mother of four, the wife, the daughter, the sister, the writer, the volunteer. She was all these things for the beloved ones although transcending those identities. She was mainly unconditional love, she was everything. I was privileged to share a deep and long true friendship, her spirituality has dramatically changed my life and the life of many more just for sharing the joy of the “seeker”. Yes, she was also a seeker, the eternal student who learns from Life with joy and wonder. She was committed in society with a smile and no expectations to help people find their own Universe of happiness. Because she knew the secret: everything is in within, happiness, joy, talents, love. She was helping us to see this simple path” let’s all go back home, it is not far”. I feel sad but I can watch this feeling and let it go, knowing that she is now what she was then, and what is going to be again. She is PURE ENERGY.
So let’s celebrate this soul who is having fun, right now, choosing another body for the next time life.

I loved to write this piece. I had honestly fun but it also gave me a deep introspection of my feelings and what I want to be in this life time. I could picture out a life of no regrets and accomplishments in terms of helping the society for a better change.

My vision is clear now: commitment, going out of my comfort zone, get started and do things.
Because if it is still true that “I wish I were a writer”, I am also everything I want to be in life, as long as I pull down the boundaries of my mind.

So living the present moment and stand up and act is what is life all about.
My spiritual journey was meant to happen to help me having a clear vision of my purpose in life. I will be posting once a week because I will be very busy with new projects that I will surely share with you.

Love & Rainbow



Copyright2010LorenzaVerdini

I AM A BUBBLE IN THE SKY

It is a very intense time of my life where lots of things are happening.

I have been practicing the breathing techniques I have learnt with the Basic Course of the Art of Living Foundation, the meditation and yoga since July 2008. Every day. I feel I miss something if I don’t give myself that precious time. But somehow, inside, I was keeping the distance between me and the depth of spirituality; I was probably scared to let myself go.

I have always considered myself a free thinker and human being: never into any mental conditioning of politics or strict religion. Never listening to same kind of music; never hanging anybody’s poster on my bedroom’s wall.

Myself, my soul, my opinions, my ideas.

I found myself in the position of deciding if to attend the advanced courses, which are lead by teachers coming from India. I doubted a lot…I tried to find excuses to resist, then I let myself go.

I went first to Germany, over New Year time (see “There is only silence inside me, part 1 and 2), with no skepticism but also no expectations and then to the Buddhist Temple in Pretoria for another advanced course which was absolutely amazing.

Then, last week, starting on the day of my birthday, I attended another course, which is probably the most powerful I have done till now.

Here is the “tale” of my experience, the same way I recorded it in my journal.

DAY 1

I feel a little strange, still do not exactly what am I doing here. I was not supposed to be here, after all today it is my birthday and this course is too big for me. Big in its content, big in its purpose. I do not know what to expect but it is a Blessings Course and I feel a tiny speck in the midst of the Universe. The Divine and me.

I am here because Sangeeta told me to do the course and I felt a big will in this request. I felt there is no choice, I have to go. I could not even hang on the old stiff excuses that my left brain uses as a tool to make me give up: how can I do with my four kids? They have got so many things on and they need me… Suddenly a solution comes to my mind and I find the help and support of dear friends. And the kids are supportive and happy too.

As soon as the practices start I feel anxiety Am I going to cope? What is the course about? I honestly do not know why I am here, but I find the warm look of some known beautiful faces and start to relax.

After all it is only a month that I am vegetarian, I love drinking my cappuccino everyday and have some dark chocolate sometimes. I mean, I am very human… We do some processes in two or small groups that let us interact at a deep level I enjoy them, I love to feel this heart-to-heart connection. I like to get to know these new friends and connect with their souls. It is a strong bond, I cannot help feeling overwhelmed by joy The day goes by and slowly I start to relax in the warmth around me: friends, new friends, teachers, volunteers and that shining Light of our teacher Sangeeta. I find the new practices extremely powerful and detoxifying as I am going to the rest room at every break. The food is absolutely exquisite, I feel hungry all the time Ah, the smile of the people in the kitchen In the evening I am celebrated with Bibi and it is a very touching moment it is wonderful, so many beautiful souls are here, Guruji is here. I feel love. I feel loved… I don’t know if I can sleep tonight, too much prana running freely through my body…I feel I am in love…

DAY 2

Today the sadhana is more intense but I enjoy it. I enjoy this new sequence of asanas and at some stage I also feel proud of myself wow I can do the boat properly… I know this feeling comes from the ego but I cannot help feeling happy to be slightly more fit. The meditations are intense and some of them new, I experience times where my mind seems to sleep, other times where I am just cradled in the meditation, but no matter how it is, I feel I am having glimpses of the true me, my Source, my pure energy. I also experience tiredness but I know that so much is going on inside me. My soul is regenerating, is getting rid of garbage, is finding its true dimension. I am not completely aware of it , but I am connecting with the Divine Thank You Guruji for being part of my life.

In the afternoon we do a process that is honestly the hardest for me let’s throw out our untold fantasies…what fantasies? Where are they? I understand the importance of this process but still I find it toooooooooooooooooooo hard I am not sure I can make it, this is too much… Somehow I break the ice and the wonderful women, who are part of my group, contribute to this process, teaching me indirectly, spontaneity and tolerance. I understand my taboos and how critical I am with this hidden part of my personality. I feel, in my heart, lots of admiration for those Indian women who have never ever talked about this topic and open up their hearts .Still I find it very hard and something stays inside I feel bad, how can I talk about this?

Later on, we experience a very powerful process. What I feel, is indescribable, so I keep silent and I do not feel like talking about it with anybody. I feel spaced out, in another dimension but I guess many of us feel the same.

The same night we celebrate another birthday and the Satsang is explosion of joy and vibrations. Some teachers and friends come along only for the Satsang and I feel that the energy is absolutely powerful, carrying the love very far. Sangeeta smiles and sings with us, she is the portrait of bliss she is so beautiful…

DAY 3

It is the last day. What is going to happen next? What does it mean to be a blesser and committed to be connected with the Divine? I feel the solemnity of the moment from the preparation and the wait; we are all waiting for Sangeeta and some more teachers have arrived. My heart is pounding and I feel bothered by this feeling. I try to watch both pounding and botheration to let them go. Then I remember that I am not there to be a blesser but to go deeper into my spirituality, to intensify my experience. And I relax.

We need to clean up again the dark side of our desires and fantasies. Dark because it is not usually shared and we must be spotless. Oh no… I have to go through this again and we share something so personal and untold. Somehow I succeed in ending this process, still feeling very vulnerable.

Once we have finished our beloved teacher leads us through a Guru pooja and again through the Lam process. The Guru pooja touches the strings of my heart. I do not understand the words but I get the vibrations. I am moved…

The process is even more powerful than the previous day. When I lay down I feel a strong energy running throughout my body and relaxed. A couple of minutes later I start feeling energy in my third eye, like a laser beam of energy and suddenly an even stronger energy in my hands what is that? It feels like electricity and it is getting stronger and stronger. After a long while, this energy seems to decrease thank You Guruji for being part of my life, Thank You Guruji for being part of my life and the energy is back, stronger than before. It happens like that a couple of times, when the energy decreases, the thought of Guruji’s love makes it stronger. I feel nailed to the floor, I feel I cannot move. And I only feel happiness, no desires and no regrets in that moment.

Then we share our intense experience and everybody’s moved. Lots of people have tears of joy; they are dipped into Guruji’s compassion and love. Each of us has had a very intense and unforgettable experience.

Sangeeta asks us one only question, many times. I want to go but every time I want to stand up and go the energy in my hands gets stronger I want to go, I want to go… Any single time my mind puts in doubt the fullness of my connection with the Divine and the Master, the energy comes back stronger. I cannot move of one inch… My gosh what am I doing? What is happening to me? And the energy does not let me go. At the end of the process, I stay in the small group of people aware that I have got the answers and they do not come from my mind. I feel a little scared, I feel responsible now of my relationship with the Divine. But any time I think about it, I feel energy in my hands I am not alone and know, in my heart, that whatever situation I will be facing from now, my Guru is with me.

I burst out of joy.

SATSANG: Sanskrit chanting

SADHANA: spiritual practices (Sudarshan Krya –breathing technique + yoga+meditation)

ASANAS : the yoga postures

GURU POOJA: it is a prayer to all the Masters of the past, the present and the future

Love & Rainbow

Copyright2010LorenzaVerdini