TOO MUCH OF EVERYTHING

Is this Christmas “tour de force” at table finished? I think so, at least for me from tomorrow.

Italians have spent 2.6 million Euros for the traditional Christmas’ Eve dinner, Christmas lunch and today’s lunch and I cannot help asking myself if we really need to exaggerate every year. We do not only over eat, we greet people, generously offering wine, panettone (the typical Christmas cake) and lots of other gourmet stuff. We cannot help it. Food is breathing. It is a way of being, a kind of identity. Tonight we are going to see some old friends, of course out for dinner… Help.

Mother Earth does not follow any festivity or tradition, She needs to detoxify from all the rubbish we threw on her in the last 60 years. So, following the amazing snowfall of last week, we are having 20 degrees more of temperature (a kind of +18 degrees) and lots of rain. This is not normal. This rain has brought the level of the local rivers so high that this morning there has been a flood in a village 15 minutes from where we are. The river was just too proud to show its power so, went over a whole village and destroyed the houses. I guess, by now, it is only an economical damage, luckily people are not hurt. I cannot help thinking that we are responsible of all the upside down in the climate field. I keep on thinking about all the tons of plastic, glass and paper waste of those days, particularly those festivity days. Recycling is a duty but I think that reducing the consumption of goods it is also a duty. Re-using is important, reducing quantities, saving energy and giving a new meaning to our actions. Santa did not bring gifts to the adults this year in my family (we agreed with him that we do not need anything superfluous), he tried to make the kids happy. They are. We explained them we asked Santa to make more kids happy in the world and to let the adults be happy with what they have. Before leaving to Italy my two youngest girls “cleaned up” their toys baskets (they actually halved them) and we sent the toys and dolls to Susan who takes care of 150 kids who have NOTHING, not even the parents and live in the poorest informal settlement (if you have time please have a look at www.seetrust.com this is a non profit social program ) so they could have a Christmas present. They loved to share their toys and give those kids the possibility to smile. When they asked me if Santa does not bring them toys, I had to think a few seconds before answering that Santa will bring them more important things like food and clothes, so we could provide the toys. What is taken for granted from us it is vital for others.

I don’t even know why I have written this post, it was not honestly planned. Some of you know that tomorrow I am going in the middle of the Black Forrest in Germany for a silent retreat, where I’ll be doing, yoga, meditation, seva (service) breathing techniques and ayurvedic massages. My husband will join. We’ll be cut off communication for a week. For the first time in my life I’ll leave my four kids and won’t be talking for a week. I’ll be surrounded by other silent people but I’ll be in my soul’s company… It is going to be intense and surely I'll get to know myself better. But no more words now...

I will miss you guys, honestly you have become part of my life, but I am looking forward to writing and sharing my experience with you once back. And reading your wonderful posts.

Love & Rainbow

Copyright2009LorenzaVerdini

THERE IS ONLY WHITE AROUND ME

There is only white around me. And all the hues of grey. The sounds are soft, almost deadened in a kind of surreal atmosphere that pleases our hearts. Everything seems to become silent, respectful of one of the greatest gift that Mother Nature can offer us. The snow. Such a snowfall does not happen every winter, we have to wait for it, desire it, dream of it. The village’s shape changes, people’s hearts are cheerful; children are happily playing snowballs battle in the streets. Today’s menu will be some special winter dish in every house. We will be cooking polenta. Our ancestors, because they were very poor, they could only have dishes like polenta (it is made with corn flour) squeezing up close to the fireplace. To us it is now some delicious dish that we do cook only in special occasions. Today it is the right time.

I love winter, I love the mountains, I love the snow. I cannot help being happy. I am grateful to Mother Nature because this is my Christmas gift. It is the time when feelings and sensations come up to move my heart. Those feelings are made of scents, sounds, colors. It is something impressed into every cell of my whole being. And suddenly, it comes out. And I find myself losing all the references, there is no time, there is no space. There is only me, the real me, who is deeply touched by the beauty and magic of a snowfall. I don’t go backwards in time and memories because I just feel the same feelings and happiness of the small child I was. Eating the fresh snow, sculpting weird shapes, running for all my worth and falling down… and making the “angel” with my arms and legs… freedom, cold, white, purity, softness, lightness. It is inside me, it belongs to me. I look at my children laughing and fighting throwing snowballs… it is so special that they won’t ever forget this great gift, keeping it warm in their hearts. In three weeks time we’ll go back to South Africa with our hearts filled with love and happiness for this unforgettable day that will last a life time. Oh the scent of polenta with porcini mushroom sauce is everywhere…Time to sit at table.

Love & rainbow

Copyright2009LorenzaVerdini

MR. TIME

As I already wrote, coming back “home” has a sweet taste. It has the sweetness of finding old photos and thinking oh my gosh that was me… but it is also special because of the children’s comments oh you WERE so beautiful mum! Look how thin you were! And what a long shiny hair…How old were you in that picture? I was sixteen…maybe fifteen…it is already long time ago. I can see it but I don’t feel it. I still have dreams and passions but time has gone by…But does really time has a meaning in people’s life? Do I need to give MR. Time recognition? No I don’t. Time is an abstract construction of the human mind to put our life in cage. In the cage of defined concepts. I am 44 years old. This is a concept that leads to think that if I am lucky, I have already lived half of my life. There is no warranty on the product besides the one of living NOW. In this perspective time has no meaning besides the fact that I can spend lots of money buying fashionable watches I don’t, really I am not that fancy woman. Realizing that only living the present moment is valuable is the greatest freedom I could achieve. I enjoy my life, the way it is. I accept that someone wrote on my passport my date of birth this one doesn’t change, you see? and find charming the contrast between my body’s changes and my soul. My everlasting young soul. The same joyful soul that I was once, at 2, while I was running happy and free after my dreams.

Love and Rainbow

Copyright2009LorenzaVerdini

I JUST WANT TO BE A SEAGULL

Have you spread your wings?

Are you living a real fulfilled life where your wishes and desires are satisfied?

Those questions come to my mind in a very cold but sunny day. One of those days when you think you could go out in short sleeves but in reality you can be frozen dead in 2 minutes. Isn’t life like that? We dream of our life since we are children then things change and often reality is the opposite. Often, not always.

Desire, desear in Spanish, desirer in French, desiderare in Italian, the same etymological root. It means “to stop gazing at the stars with a well-wishing purpose” from its Latin origin de-siderare. Basically it means “don’t ask the stars what you need in life but have the courage of becoming the main actor of your life”.

When did you last expressed openly what you desire in life? What if you realise that you are living in a cage and that your all being is just there, outside, waiting to fly high?
Sometimes it is enough to open the drawer of our childhood memory to fly again and to see Life, from high, as a bright path, full of magic.
Sometimes we don’t believe in the power of Change and there, we feel trapped.

I met one of my best friends the other day, her story touches me and inspires me the following words.

I cannot stand this life anymore. This is not my life. It their life. It is what they always wanted me to be. To be married, have a family and a steady job, living close to them. They need to have my life under control to feel that they love me. I am choking… When did I lose the courage of being myself and saying what I really think and wish? Probably I never had it.

I have never been good enough for him. If I got 90% at school he would ask “where is the 10% left?” If I got a new job he would criticize it because “it is not good enough for you”. Whenever I expressed a creative idea he would pull it down because according to “his” experience it will not work…”ideas have never produced bread to eat”.
So I just ended working in the family business where he is still the boss. The despot of everybody’s breaths and thoughts. I don’t count in terms of thinking, bringing new inputs. I just execute orders in that office, eight hours a day because I am just too young and lack experience.

I am 37. I am 37. I am 37. But I am good at work. I am inclined to connect with people, I am quick, well organizes, hard worker, have creative ideas and good problem solving skills. And a B.A. in Political Sciences in one of the best Italian University. I am 37. I am 37. I am 37. Half of my life has gone.

She criticizes me. I am not good at cooking, I hate cooking. She is never happy because my fridge is empty. I hate shopping. So she cooks for my son, who is four, but she seasons every dish with a good dose of poison. She believes he can survive better with her and her spicy thoughts. Rather than with my love and my quick meals. Because I am not the woman she wants me to be. I don’t fit in her mental pattern. I don’t like to have regular meals, food is not important to me, but I deeply love my son. And he loves pizza!

I love travelling and meeting new people. I want to know new places, I speak English and Spanish, she only speaks Critics and Grudges and never makes one step alone. The shade of the despot is heavy on her too.

I often think that she has never been happy with my father and she tries to get even with me. I let them take all the territory of my life. I let things be because I did not want to hurt them. I wanted to please them all the time. Why? Why do I need to please them? I do not owe them anything not even the fact that I am existing. So if it is true that I have chosen my parents, that my soul has chosen to be back in my tall and slim body, with those two parents, I guess I have something big to heal. And to learn. Courage. The courage of being myself despite their thinking on me. The courage of spreading my wings.

My husband is a good man. Honest, quiet, without ambitions in life. Too good for me.The best for him is to spend a Sunday afternoon watching soccer on TV. We travel because I want to travel. Everything that comes to our life is fine for him. He does not express opinions. My steady job is the best for him because his job is temporary. I am the economical strength of the family but I want to fly high. I wish I could be in London, in Amsterdam, in Paris, in New York , in any place where I can feel the pulsing life in every breath I take. I need to leave and I am here for my son. I want to leave, I don’t want this life, it is their life. Still I don’t find the courage to scream and let myself go to the freedom of my wildest thoughts.

I am tall and slim but I have lost lots of weight in the last few months. I cannot swallow, I am never hungry, I cannot sleep. I guess that is my soul’s scream. I am burning with passion for somebody who is not part of the plan.
I met him by chance, we really bumped into each other. We knew from long time ago and had lost contact. It took me half an hour and a good coffee to realize that I was laughing breezy just tuning with him and all his being. His smile landed into my heart softly.
It took me two days to realise that I was madly in love with him. It took us two days to realise that we are made for each other and that we were waiting to be together in this lifetime. So my life is the total chaos. It is out of the rules of society. I hate my steady job, the family business, I am not the typical housewife and mother, I am not a wife anymore.

I am a woman. And I am 37 and don’t know what to do. I don’t fit in the cage that I let them build around me, all my being is screaming for freedom.
What am I going to do? I will be responsible of throwing the bomb because it will blow up. Sooner or later. And their life will be destroyed because of the bad girl. I never wanted to be the perfect angel. I just want to be a seagull.

Love & Rainbow
Copyright2009LorenzaVerdini

HOME SWEET HOME

Coming back to Italy is as sweet as the ripest seedless grapes melting into your mouth. It is a very special feeling , the feeling of belonging. It is having roots somewhere and going back to them.

It is the joy of hugging the family and feeling that we love each other even more.

It is walking in the village streets and meeting people you know, and they are happy to see you.

It is buying the best food in the whole world in small shops that look like boutiques.

It is smelling the rain and humidity of winter. Listening to the soft sound of the rain, hiding under the feather duvet is it really raining?

It is wondering how could god design the most beautiful hills and landscape a man could ever dream of…

Yesterday we went to San Gimignano. It is one of the most beautiful and old villages of Tuscany. All the buildings and towers in the historical town centre are OOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD and I mean really old of the 10th Century.
We were just breathing history, beauty, peace. There is something that always strikes me, whenever I am in an old place. The feeling of peace and serenity. I would not know if it is me or the place but I feel at peace. I feel the deep respect for all the souls that have been crossing the same path centuries before me. I am admired by the works of art that will always be there to witness the man’s grandeur and talent. The love for beauty.

So walking in the historical centre of san Gimignano I was, once again, speechless. But is there need of words when we FEEL the beauty all around ?

But In san Gimignano there is also the best ice cream shop in the world! I am not joking, it is the best in the world the Gelateria Dondoli: the owner, who makes the ice cream, won the title for 2 years in a row! You can cry of joy having one of his ice creams…

You can enjoy in one of the many wine tasting places a special white wine the VERNACCIA, produced only with the grapes cultivations which are in the village surroundings. It is a very tasty special wine. When you say Vernaccia you know it can come only from San Gimignano.
And the best delicatessen shops for the non vegetarians, with really the best of the best exquisite food you can find. All clean, well presented. Beautiful food. I feel like buying so many things even if I would not necessary eat all of them… Eating with eyes and mouth is an art that is part of our culture I guess.

I found a small shop where the owner was producing stunning pieces of clothes with a knitting handloom I mean I could watch him working and creating the most beautiful clothes: he could have come out of the novel The Pillars of the Earth, easy.

Next door a craftsman was working on his hand made jewellery: bronze and hard stones. Some of the jewellery seemed to be coming from the Etruscan tradition, very special ones. I talked to him: the whole family work with him and they are all able to make jewellery, that is the family business!

In that area San Gimignano is very close to Volterra they are specialised in the work of alabaster: they do everything with it, from home accessories to ornaments and sculptures. Whatever but made with what nature has provided the villagers : lots and lot of alabaster!

We went back home with special chocolates bought at the Christmas outdoor market, a couple of ice creams in the tummy, bottles of Vernaccia and wooden toys chosen by the kids.
And a light hearted spirit.


Living in South Africa makes me appreciate all this when I come back and at the same time gives me new inputs to live my holidays with a new awareness. Nothing is obvious but to discover, once again with the eyes of the Life’s Explorer.

And every time I go back to my new home I feel the miracle of belonging to that land too, happy to feel life in slow motion, with different sounds, colours, music, people. Sharing my heart between my Tuscan hills and the most beautiful sky in the world, somewhere in South Africa.


Love& Rainbow



Copyright2009LorenzaVerdini

BYE BYE GUYS

I haven’t got time.

Still need to finish pack up our luggage.

I keep telling myself I should go.

But I sit here, in front of my computer feeling a bit strange.

It is the first time I leave with my heart full of YOU. 

Filled with all the company and smiles we shared together.

I know it is going to be only a few days break before I reconnect my soul with yours.

But I will miss you.

I hug tightly the few ones who visit me every time I write, and the new ones who are welcome my heart is big, there is room for everybody!

So, tomorrow I’ll fly to Tuscany, with my whole family and I am really looking forward to sharing with you the flavours of a new inspiring piece of Life.

This is the picture of my village, where I belong.

But then, deep inside myself, I know I belong everywhere.

Love & Rainbow