THERE IS ONLY SILENCE INSIDE ME part 1

It is me. And the silence.

It is the new me, the new person I feel to be. Because there’s a shift in my life. I would not know when and how it happened; I feel to be another person. I am open to the tremendous possibilities that Life offers me, because now I know the Universe is inside, everything has been already given, it is time to acknowledge it.

We are driving through the tidy and untouched Switzerland. I cannot help being enchanted by this unreal beauty, so different from the wild one of South Africa. I love it. I keep on thinking that we are closer and closer to our destination and a light sense of anxiety starts to get into my heart.

Why should I feel anxious? I decided to be open to this experience having no expectations, trying to avoid the rational and critical thinking. Somehow I feel like I am going to have some personal challenges. Will I like the place and the people? Will I fit in this emotional and spiritual environment? I miss my kids…

The more questions come to my mind, the more I understand that I am not used to come out of my comfort zone. I let the questions come and go, I don’t need to keep my mind busy, my heart is overwhelmed. As soon as I ignore the Censor I realize that I can relax and feel better.

We arrive at Bad Antogast, it is a group of 3, 4 houses in the middle of the Black Forrest. The Ashram really looks European which is the first thought I make. I am not in India, of course…There is already lots of people, lots of noise and hugs, laughter, luggage . I see my husband so at ease, saying hallo and hugging people and I feel like a fish out of the water. Again, I realize that the Censor wants to have his words shut your bloody mouth so I focus on the logistics.

I share my room with 3 unknown ladies, a young charming Swiss woman, a beautiful Dutch lady and a Russian young woman who does not speak English. We enjoy introducing ourselves and, as women are, we organize turns for the morning showers before we are put into silence, we share very democratically the tiny wardrobe and put our shoes altogether I guess it does not work like that in the boys rooms…

We get to know the daily schedule after a delicious vegetarian dinner : 6.30 to 8.00 yoga and breathing session; 8.00 to 10.00 breakfast and break; 10 to 1 pm meditation and course session; 1 to 3 pm lunch and break; 3 to 6 pm another course session ; 6 to 7.30 dinner and break; 7.30 to 9.30 satsang and knowledge.

During the breaks we are all meant to do seva, which means “service”: we are divided into groups and everybody is asked to take the responsibility to take part to it. I am in charge of the garbage and compost with one lovely and energetic Dutch woman, Dutch and Belgian men. Four of us. Others are in charge of cleaning the bathrooms, washing up the dishes in the kitchen, chopping vegetables and so forth.

I don’t feel comfortable about the idea of dealing with the garbage every day at 6.30 pm but then I decide to knock the Censor down and let myself go to the experience I guess I could change my seva but I don’t want; I want to go out of my comfort zone and try to turn this experience into something valuable and enriching. Responsibility means “the ability to respond to the situation” I want to embrace it. It is going to be meaningful and pleasant.

The first day we start the routine according to the schedule. I try not to think about the sleepless night, the cold, the hunger. I try not to look at all those super fit people who have come one hour earlier to warm up, so flexible and young I am here only for myself, to meet the Universe in me then I feel better.

The day goes by.

We will be in silence tonight so we do lots of interesting processes to interact with others.In one of those process I am in a group with three women, one younger than me, the two others older. We have to tell each other our life’s story, 10 minutes each. My Censor has come into action immediately doubting about my partners but it really lasts few seconds I then recall myself to the pleasure of listening to them. I realize the teaching of the Master: Oneness, heart to heart connection. I see how much beauty and courage and love is in them. I feel that, once again, behind every face there is an incredible story. I see the immense of human possibilities, the rainbow of feelings, the courage, the honesty, the braveness. I see all the women in the history of times, their pain and love.We are one. I am going to start my silent retreat with my heart full of emotions.

Silence.

Silence means no talking, no reading, no telephone texting, no writing, no gesticulating, no eyes contact.

Silence is the only and exclusive opportunity to get deep inside our Self. To get to know our Universe.

I like to be in silence, I need silence. I need order in my life and want to know who I am, what is my purpose in life. Who is the One who is feeling what I feel? Who is this ageless soul ?

I do not have any eye contact with my husband or other people. We want to make the most of it. My mind starts to gallop at full speed. Lots of thoughts, of any origin come to my mind. I don’t usually think so much, do I? what’s happening? The washing up has started.

Silence. It is a profound silence from deep within. There are noises around me belonging to the flow of life but then, there is only silence. The mind tries to show up but no words are following so the thoughts blow up like bubbles. I struggle in not writing because whenever I write I reach my Source, the deepest and purest part of me. The magic is always in the “gap”: the gap between thoughts, the alternation of noise and silence, of action and sleep. Up and down, movement. Flow. Silence is: resting somehow the mind that wants to be supported by the words. No words, no judgment, no criticism, no opinions. What is a thought if I don’t express it? Nothing, only a bubble. The silence is a powerful tool to suppress the ego, the Censor. I feel comfortable with it, few more days to go. I love the freedom of not expressing myself, no “sorry” nor “thank you”. Only silence.

Thank you Silence.

Love&Rainbow

Copyright2010LorenzaVerdini