REMEMBER THIS SIMPLE THOUGHT

One of the best and most precious knowledge I am getting from my actual journey is LIVING THE PRESENT MOMENT. It is a kind of unreal concept because we know where we are in this right moment.

Where is my body? It is here, right in front of the computer.
Where is my breath? It is here , in within my body.
Where is my mind? My mind is busy giving my hands the commands to write what it is inside (paying attention to the spelling!), but usually the mind is in the past or in the future.

This feverish activity is what make us tired and stressed; we do not get fatigue from the physical work but from the bee which is eternally buzzing in the mind.
So we are basically under the dominance of the mind that controls our energies, moves, thoughts. This part of the mind is the intellect or ego. I also like to call it the Censor because it produces mostly criticizing thoughts which attack the creative side, the Child or Artist that is in all of us. I already mentioned the amazing book “The Artist way” from Julia Cameron, didn’t I?

So, the mind gets entangled in many things and worries which drain our life force.
There are four main entanglements of the mind:
1. Children: we have lots of fears and worries for their lives and future
2. Money: it is either worry or attachment to it
3. What people think about me: am I accepted in this society?
4. Attachment to life through the body: I don’t want to get old.

To be free from these entanglements we must remember something easy and natural: we are all going to die.

The thought of death makes you free from all these entanglements that buzz in the mind and don’t let you live in the present moment.
The same thought gives you courage to fully live.

I had lots of fun when I was asked to imagine my dead body and write my own eulogy. This is what came out.

We are all gathered today to celebrate a beautiful soul who has just left us. She was not only my best and precious friend, the one who made me laugh when I needed to; the one who was there when I needed her support.
She was not only the mother of four, the wife, the daughter, the sister, the writer, the volunteer. She was all these things for the beloved ones although transcending those identities. She was mainly unconditional love, she was everything. I was privileged to share a deep and long true friendship, her spirituality has dramatically changed my life and the life of many more just for sharing the joy of the “seeker”. Yes, she was also a seeker, the eternal student who learns from Life with joy and wonder. She was committed in society with a smile and no expectations to help people find their own Universe of happiness. Because she knew the secret: everything is in within, happiness, joy, talents, love. She was helping us to see this simple path” let’s all go back home, it is not far”. I feel sad but I can watch this feeling and let it go, knowing that she is now what she was then, and what is going to be again. She is PURE ENERGY.
So let’s celebrate this soul who is having fun, right now, choosing another body for the next time life.

I loved to write this piece. I had honestly fun but it also gave me a deep introspection of my feelings and what I want to be in this life time. I could picture out a life of no regrets and accomplishments in terms of helping the society for a better change.

My vision is clear now: commitment, going out of my comfort zone, get started and do things.
Because if it is still true that “I wish I were a writer”, I am also everything I want to be in life, as long as I pull down the boundaries of my mind.

So living the present moment and stand up and act is what is life all about.
My spiritual journey was meant to happen to help me having a clear vision of my purpose in life. I will be posting once a week because I will be very busy with new projects that I will surely share with you.

Love & Rainbow



Copyright2010LorenzaVerdini

I AM A BUBBLE IN THE SKY

It is a very intense time of my life where lots of things are happening.

I have been practicing the breathing techniques I have learnt with the Basic Course of the Art of Living Foundation, the meditation and yoga since July 2008. Every day. I feel I miss something if I don’t give myself that precious time. But somehow, inside, I was keeping the distance between me and the depth of spirituality; I was probably scared to let myself go.

I have always considered myself a free thinker and human being: never into any mental conditioning of politics or strict religion. Never listening to same kind of music; never hanging anybody’s poster on my bedroom’s wall.

Myself, my soul, my opinions, my ideas.

I found myself in the position of deciding if to attend the advanced courses, which are lead by teachers coming from India. I doubted a lot…I tried to find excuses to resist, then I let myself go.

I went first to Germany, over New Year time (see “There is only silence inside me, part 1 and 2), with no skepticism but also no expectations and then to the Buddhist Temple in Pretoria for another advanced course which was absolutely amazing.

Then, last week, starting on the day of my birthday, I attended another course, which is probably the most powerful I have done till now.

Here is the “tale” of my experience, the same way I recorded it in my journal.

DAY 1

I feel a little strange, still do not exactly what am I doing here. I was not supposed to be here, after all today it is my birthday and this course is too big for me. Big in its content, big in its purpose. I do not know what to expect but it is a Blessings Course and I feel a tiny speck in the midst of the Universe. The Divine and me.

I am here because Sangeeta told me to do the course and I felt a big will in this request. I felt there is no choice, I have to go. I could not even hang on the old stiff excuses that my left brain uses as a tool to make me give up: how can I do with my four kids? They have got so many things on and they need me… Suddenly a solution comes to my mind and I find the help and support of dear friends. And the kids are supportive and happy too.

As soon as the practices start I feel anxiety Am I going to cope? What is the course about? I honestly do not know why I am here, but I find the warm look of some known beautiful faces and start to relax.

After all it is only a month that I am vegetarian, I love drinking my cappuccino everyday and have some dark chocolate sometimes. I mean, I am very human… We do some processes in two or small groups that let us interact at a deep level I enjoy them, I love to feel this heart-to-heart connection. I like to get to know these new friends and connect with their souls. It is a strong bond, I cannot help feeling overwhelmed by joy The day goes by and slowly I start to relax in the warmth around me: friends, new friends, teachers, volunteers and that shining Light of our teacher Sangeeta. I find the new practices extremely powerful and detoxifying as I am going to the rest room at every break. The food is absolutely exquisite, I feel hungry all the time Ah, the smile of the people in the kitchen In the evening I am celebrated with Bibi and it is a very touching moment it is wonderful, so many beautiful souls are here, Guruji is here. I feel love. I feel loved… I don’t know if I can sleep tonight, too much prana running freely through my body…I feel I am in love…

DAY 2

Today the sadhana is more intense but I enjoy it. I enjoy this new sequence of asanas and at some stage I also feel proud of myself wow I can do the boat properly… I know this feeling comes from the ego but I cannot help feeling happy to be slightly more fit. The meditations are intense and some of them new, I experience times where my mind seems to sleep, other times where I am just cradled in the meditation, but no matter how it is, I feel I am having glimpses of the true me, my Source, my pure energy. I also experience tiredness but I know that so much is going on inside me. My soul is regenerating, is getting rid of garbage, is finding its true dimension. I am not completely aware of it , but I am connecting with the Divine Thank You Guruji for being part of my life.

In the afternoon we do a process that is honestly the hardest for me let’s throw out our untold fantasies…what fantasies? Where are they? I understand the importance of this process but still I find it toooooooooooooooooooo hard I am not sure I can make it, this is too much… Somehow I break the ice and the wonderful women, who are part of my group, contribute to this process, teaching me indirectly, spontaneity and tolerance. I understand my taboos and how critical I am with this hidden part of my personality. I feel, in my heart, lots of admiration for those Indian women who have never ever talked about this topic and open up their hearts .Still I find it very hard and something stays inside I feel bad, how can I talk about this?

Later on, we experience a very powerful process. What I feel, is indescribable, so I keep silent and I do not feel like talking about it with anybody. I feel spaced out, in another dimension but I guess many of us feel the same.

The same night we celebrate another birthday and the Satsang is explosion of joy and vibrations. Some teachers and friends come along only for the Satsang and I feel that the energy is absolutely powerful, carrying the love very far. Sangeeta smiles and sings with us, she is the portrait of bliss she is so beautiful…

DAY 3

It is the last day. What is going to happen next? What does it mean to be a blesser and committed to be connected with the Divine? I feel the solemnity of the moment from the preparation and the wait; we are all waiting for Sangeeta and some more teachers have arrived. My heart is pounding and I feel bothered by this feeling. I try to watch both pounding and botheration to let them go. Then I remember that I am not there to be a blesser but to go deeper into my spirituality, to intensify my experience. And I relax.

We need to clean up again the dark side of our desires and fantasies. Dark because it is not usually shared and we must be spotless. Oh no… I have to go through this again and we share something so personal and untold. Somehow I succeed in ending this process, still feeling very vulnerable.

Once we have finished our beloved teacher leads us through a Guru pooja and again through the Lam process. The Guru pooja touches the strings of my heart. I do not understand the words but I get the vibrations. I am moved…

The process is even more powerful than the previous day. When I lay down I feel a strong energy running throughout my body and relaxed. A couple of minutes later I start feeling energy in my third eye, like a laser beam of energy and suddenly an even stronger energy in my hands what is that? It feels like electricity and it is getting stronger and stronger. After a long while, this energy seems to decrease thank You Guruji for being part of my life, Thank You Guruji for being part of my life and the energy is back, stronger than before. It happens like that a couple of times, when the energy decreases, the thought of Guruji’s love makes it stronger. I feel nailed to the floor, I feel I cannot move. And I only feel happiness, no desires and no regrets in that moment.

Then we share our intense experience and everybody’s moved. Lots of people have tears of joy; they are dipped into Guruji’s compassion and love. Each of us has had a very intense and unforgettable experience.

Sangeeta asks us one only question, many times. I want to go but every time I want to stand up and go the energy in my hands gets stronger I want to go, I want to go… Any single time my mind puts in doubt the fullness of my connection with the Divine and the Master, the energy comes back stronger. I cannot move of one inch… My gosh what am I doing? What is happening to me? And the energy does not let me go. At the end of the process, I stay in the small group of people aware that I have got the answers and they do not come from my mind. I feel a little scared, I feel responsible now of my relationship with the Divine. But any time I think about it, I feel energy in my hands I am not alone and know, in my heart, that whatever situation I will be facing from now, my Guru is with me.

I burst out of joy.

SATSANG: Sanskrit chanting

SADHANA: spiritual practices (Sudarshan Krya –breathing technique + yoga+meditation)

ASANAS : the yoga postures

GURU POOJA: it is a prayer to all the Masters of the past, the present and the future

Love & Rainbow

Copyright2010LorenzaVerdini

THERE iIS ONLY SILENCE INSIDE ME part 2

The silence is recharging and enriching.

I can focus on my energy; the natural inclination about “complaining” does not show up. I cannot put it into words and build up “stories” about it. I cannot say I don’t like people skipping the line for food or why are the teachers talking so loud while we must keep silent. I realize then that my irritation is inconsistent and it is not worthwhile spending more thoughts about those things. The lesson is clear I understand… We can really depict our daily life according to the importance we want to give to our words how much wasted energy every day in not being happy or complaining…

Twice a day, His Holiness Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, Guruji for the friends, founder of the Art of Living Foundation, comes to meditate with us, to share his Knowledge, to answer to our question. I find out that he is considered in the top five most powerful men by the magazine Forbes for his social commitment all over the world to fight poverty, illiteracy, wars, stress, diseases. All the process we are doing, the breathing techniques, the kind of yoga, the meditations come out of his consciousness. He is the creator of all this, after a long silent retreat in 1982. I also find out that there are 30 million people in the world who have done the basic course and scientific studies on how powerful and healing are those techniques. A very famous Indian doctor and writer, I won’t mention his name, wanted to buy the breathing technique for his very expensive Californian private holistic center. Guruji kindly refused saying that this technique is his gift to mankind and that everybody must be able to learn it.

I am very much impressed by this small man who smiles all the time and whose sense of humor is winning.

When he enters the room there are people immediately going to him I wonder why and showing respect and devotion. It does not take me long to understand. Again.

I have always considered myself a free spirit, a free thinker. I am someone who detests addictions of any kind, especially mental addiction. This feeling always made me distant from religious and political thinking since I could really start to think on my own. Guruji is above all religions and political thinking. His teaching of unconditional love and respect embraces all religions in the ashram there are halls for every religion so people wishing to pray can go there. His teaching of a war-free world embraces all political thinking well I am not really sure about this last affirmation…some people still love to play the game of war and make money of it but…I am confident the world is changing, I feel this wave of spirituality that is flooding the human consciousness. What do we all want? Food for everybody, education and opportunities, peace and respect our environment. We all want to find OUR PURPOSE IN LIFE, what we are meant to be, expressing our full potential. We want to build a self sustained economy where there is space for everybody to interact…

I am waiting to see what kind of effect this tiny man is going to have on me.

I surrender. I surrender to this Consciousness who is living a small human body. I cannot explain why his knowledge makes sense to me; I just get it through my heart, it does not go through the rational part of my brain. I understand that Masters are the vehicle through which the Universe shares its knowledge with humanity, according to the mankind’s needs of that moment in the history of times. I understand the powerful message of Jesus and Buddha and all the others who have incarnated this knowledge in the past. I understand that the real Master is not holding the truth; he is only passing it on to us. That is why all He says makes sense to my heart.

I feel light hearted, I feel joy, I feel pure energy flowing up and down through my body. I feel like I have never felt in my life.

The little man does not look like the Guru in my mind: a Guru should be huge and handsome, a kind of intriguing man who flat out his devotees with a look. Guruji is not like that, he is small, normal looking, he smiles at everybody, regardless of the effects of his smile he is known like the Guru of Joy. His sense of humor is infectious it is a long time I have not laughed so much at somebody’s jokes his sense of balance is just pure tolerance: everybody can attend his courses even people like me who enjoy a glass of red wine sometimes and who are not vegetarian I don’t feel ready to give up my cappuccino yet. When the student is ready the Master appears Buddha said.

I am an eternal student and I am ready.

In the evenings there is the satsang session: it is chanting Sanskrit songs altogether. I have no clue of what the songs are or mean but by the end of the evening I find myself very committed and happy in the chanting. Young people all around are dancing, free happy spirits.

I learn something else: in the UK some private school have introduced Sanskrit as a language after 15 years of studies showing that the vibrations of the language increase the IQ and releases the stress it must be the reason why I feel so relaxed during the chanting… I was tired before starting I feel energized now…

I cannot keep the songs away from my mind even when I go to sleep. Even during my trip back home. I find myself chanting them in my mind when I am under stress or in a difficult situation. And I feel cheerful, like when I used to pray my guardian angel when I was a child I am sure that my angels understand Sanskrit…

The three S that are part of my life now are SADANA, which is the spiritual practices I do every day (yoga, breathing exercises, meditation), SATSANG and SEVA.

The O is ONENESS

The three U are UNIVERSE, UNIQUE and UNION

The three L are LIFE, LAUGHTER and LOVE.

This makes my S O U L.

Love & Rainbow

Copyright 2010 LorenzaVerdini

THERE IS ONLY SILENCE INSIDE ME part 1

It is me. And the silence.

It is the new me, the new person I feel to be. Because there’s a shift in my life. I would not know when and how it happened; I feel to be another person. I am open to the tremendous possibilities that Life offers me, because now I know the Universe is inside, everything has been already given, it is time to acknowledge it.

We are driving through the tidy and untouched Switzerland. I cannot help being enchanted by this unreal beauty, so different from the wild one of South Africa. I love it. I keep on thinking that we are closer and closer to our destination and a light sense of anxiety starts to get into my heart.

Why should I feel anxious? I decided to be open to this experience having no expectations, trying to avoid the rational and critical thinking. Somehow I feel like I am going to have some personal challenges. Will I like the place and the people? Will I fit in this emotional and spiritual environment? I miss my kids…

The more questions come to my mind, the more I understand that I am not used to come out of my comfort zone. I let the questions come and go, I don’t need to keep my mind busy, my heart is overwhelmed. As soon as I ignore the Censor I realize that I can relax and feel better.

We arrive at Bad Antogast, it is a group of 3, 4 houses in the middle of the Black Forrest. The Ashram really looks European which is the first thought I make. I am not in India, of course…There is already lots of people, lots of noise and hugs, laughter, luggage . I see my husband so at ease, saying hallo and hugging people and I feel like a fish out of the water. Again, I realize that the Censor wants to have his words shut your bloody mouth so I focus on the logistics.

I share my room with 3 unknown ladies, a young charming Swiss woman, a beautiful Dutch lady and a Russian young woman who does not speak English. We enjoy introducing ourselves and, as women are, we organize turns for the morning showers before we are put into silence, we share very democratically the tiny wardrobe and put our shoes altogether I guess it does not work like that in the boys rooms…

We get to know the daily schedule after a delicious vegetarian dinner : 6.30 to 8.00 yoga and breathing session; 8.00 to 10.00 breakfast and break; 10 to 1 pm meditation and course session; 1 to 3 pm lunch and break; 3 to 6 pm another course session ; 6 to 7.30 dinner and break; 7.30 to 9.30 satsang and knowledge.

During the breaks we are all meant to do seva, which means “service”: we are divided into groups and everybody is asked to take the responsibility to take part to it. I am in charge of the garbage and compost with one lovely and energetic Dutch woman, Dutch and Belgian men. Four of us. Others are in charge of cleaning the bathrooms, washing up the dishes in the kitchen, chopping vegetables and so forth.

I don’t feel comfortable about the idea of dealing with the garbage every day at 6.30 pm but then I decide to knock the Censor down and let myself go to the experience I guess I could change my seva but I don’t want; I want to go out of my comfort zone and try to turn this experience into something valuable and enriching. Responsibility means “the ability to respond to the situation” I want to embrace it. It is going to be meaningful and pleasant.

The first day we start the routine according to the schedule. I try not to think about the sleepless night, the cold, the hunger. I try not to look at all those super fit people who have come one hour earlier to warm up, so flexible and young I am here only for myself, to meet the Universe in me then I feel better.

The day goes by.

We will be in silence tonight so we do lots of interesting processes to interact with others.In one of those process I am in a group with three women, one younger than me, the two others older. We have to tell each other our life’s story, 10 minutes each. My Censor has come into action immediately doubting about my partners but it really lasts few seconds I then recall myself to the pleasure of listening to them. I realize the teaching of the Master: Oneness, heart to heart connection. I see how much beauty and courage and love is in them. I feel that, once again, behind every face there is an incredible story. I see the immense of human possibilities, the rainbow of feelings, the courage, the honesty, the braveness. I see all the women in the history of times, their pain and love.We are one. I am going to start my silent retreat with my heart full of emotions.

Silence.

Silence means no talking, no reading, no telephone texting, no writing, no gesticulating, no eyes contact.

Silence is the only and exclusive opportunity to get deep inside our Self. To get to know our Universe.

I like to be in silence, I need silence. I need order in my life and want to know who I am, what is my purpose in life. Who is the One who is feeling what I feel? Who is this ageless soul ?

I do not have any eye contact with my husband or other people. We want to make the most of it. My mind starts to gallop at full speed. Lots of thoughts, of any origin come to my mind. I don’t usually think so much, do I? what’s happening? The washing up has started.

Silence. It is a profound silence from deep within. There are noises around me belonging to the flow of life but then, there is only silence. The mind tries to show up but no words are following so the thoughts blow up like bubbles. I struggle in not writing because whenever I write I reach my Source, the deepest and purest part of me. The magic is always in the “gap”: the gap between thoughts, the alternation of noise and silence, of action and sleep. Up and down, movement. Flow. Silence is: resting somehow the mind that wants to be supported by the words. No words, no judgment, no criticism, no opinions. What is a thought if I don’t express it? Nothing, only a bubble. The silence is a powerful tool to suppress the ego, the Censor. I feel comfortable with it, few more days to go. I love the freedom of not expressing myself, no “sorry” nor “thank you”. Only silence.

Thank you Silence.

Love&Rainbow

Copyright2010LorenzaVerdini

ART OF LIVING

Back to my journey.

There is something that strikes me when I think back about the experiences and choices I have made since I was diagnosed with Adolph (alias breast cancer, author’s note) and throughout my treatments. I never made researches on what it would be best for me. I never got involved with my rational mind in looking for alternative’s ways to improve my health.

Everything always happened by chance but of course I was open to receive the message. So it was when I read that meditation is so good for healing. And I felt I had to try. Then, from a rusty corner of my memory I remembered I read somewhere about the benefits of yoga. I had a controversial feeling about it because yoga, in my imaginary, was a very performing practise where only the fittest are welcome. People able to cross both legs around their neck (without farting…ooops ) or standing on one leg in the loto position for at least 36 hours, carrying on being happy. That idea of yoga was not for me. So when it popped out of my mind, I met a friend of mine who told me about a lovely woman who gives yoga classes where I live. Wow, the best… I don’t even have to drive if I want to join a class. So I started to nurture the thought that I could try it. I got in touch with the lovely lady, Harsha, and decided to join a course, which was starting the day I finished my radiations.

This kind of yoga is called SRI SRI YOGA and it is absolutely perfect for a meditative person like me, it is the opposite of my original idea of yoga. It is a very gentle practise which work at any level of fitness or flexibility ; I don’t feel any “performance stress” so it is the perfect exercise. I cannot stand noisy places and I find gyms to be very loud and show off places where basically people go to feel admired for their muscles, bums and boops (I haven’t found this last word on my vocabulary but I guess the spelling is right…do you get what I mean?). So, I went for my first yoga lesson.

My muscles were very stiff because of all the toxicity from the treatments but I was not really concerned about it. I tried every posture was suggested and as I was already doing meditation I found that those postures were helping me to get in touch with my Inward. After the 6 days intensive course I went back home feeling great without stiffness in my body.I must keep on doing this, it is so powerful and relaxing at the same time…

Then the third move came to me.

The yoga teacher, who is a dear friend of mine now, told me about the Art Of Living Foundation (www.artofliving.org) which is well know worldwide and whose founder, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar is not only a spiritual leader or Guru , but the creator of a powerful breathing technique called SUDARSHAN KRYIA. This technique has been learnt by millions of people in the world (yes, millions) who have experienced the benefits. It has been scientifically proven that it is a healing technique that boosters our immune system. There are stories of people who healed from cancer, depression, anxiety, sleeping disorders, diabetes , different addictions and so forth.

Well... I was absolutely interested in doing the BASIC COURSE teaching this technique. Before going, my left brain tried to hold me back come on how can you find the time to leave the children for four evenings in a row plus Saturday and Sunday? You are always tired you sleep like a log at 8.00 p.m., you’ ll be snoring during the course. Aren’t you scared to go with other people you don’ t know to learn “how to breathe” ah ah ah Almost resigned to accept these motivations, unexpectedly my right brain lifted his magic punch and knocked his brother down on a winning k.o. And off I went.

I did the course in July 2008.It has been a gift for Life. I not only learned this powerful technique, which has become part of my life as a daily routine, but I found a path to spirituality, which has opened up new ways of knowledge and understanding. After having done the course I practise every day the breathing and meditation, and I feel great. From the physical point of view I do not get my kids bugs, my level of energy has dramatically increased, I do not suffer from my bad sinusitis anymore or back pain (thanks to the yoga too) and I am as fit as a fiddle.

From the human point of view I am fulfilled; my creativity has shown up again, I believe I have got talent and wish to express it. I feel at peace.

So then my husband did the course. And then some friends. And then my teen ager daughter and kids (there is a specific course for teens and children) and I would suggest to do it to all those people I love and care of come on guys I love you all. All the teacher of the AOL are volunteers, the money raised from the courses go to specific projects to help needy community and the course is taught in prisons as well all over the world, to help the prisoners to learn to do something of their life. With a simple daily practise that need 25 minutes of time.

I see my oncologist every 4 months, but he gets rid of me quickly because I am well I don’t mind at all and for the next check up he does not want me to do blood tests. I’ll invite him to join the next course with me.

Namaste

Lorenza

Copyright2009LorenzaVerdini