THE BOOK I AM PREGNANT OF

I have started to write my book this morning.

Something has happened in this last week that has deeply upset my life for a few days at the point that I have almost decided to stop writing. Then I thought whatever happens in your life, there is always a good reason, find it and work on yourself.

I must say, it is not an easy task. The natural inclination is to blame others, our life and the unfortunate destiny. But what about our responsibility? Becoming aware of the responsibility we hold in every single event happening in our life is freedom from the burden of feeling stuck and powerless. So I realized that I had to put into practice what is purely knowledge and wisdom.

All of a sudden I realized that I was postponing the pleasure of starting writing my book for the inner fear of not succeeding oh gosh how can you fill in hundreds of pages? Finding daily excuses just to be busy and not to sit in front of my computer, face to face with my everlasting dream of being a writer.

So this morning I sat and started writing.

My intent is to write letting the flow of my story and feelings go on and on. I do not know where I am going to land and how, but I have told myself not to judge my writing until the book is finished. I will not let the Censor be the dictator of my life and pull me down. That is my life, I take the responsibility to LIVE IT.

I had the inspiration for this story in August last year, while I was spooning the most exquisite pulses soup to my family it is winter in South Africa, we have lots of hot soups… it was like a lightning on a summer day: unexpected. I started to cuddle the idea, to nurture the inspiration but I was still far from the action of sitting and writing. You know the idea of realizing something is harmless; the action of realizing the idea can be harmful. At least I was using this “philosophy” as excuse to avoid coming into action.

Till the accident occurred few days ago. This accident led me to think I want to stop writing and do something more “useful” in life; I was about to give up. But this morning I just sat and started to write. I looked at the computer screen with tender love and thought hi there, I am here. We are going to spend quite a long time together, I am sure we’ll be friends. I will not judge you and you won’t judge me. We’ll be supporting each other with love and care.

After I wrote the beginning of the book, I had to be back to my motherhood’s duty of fetching the kids from school, bringing them to swim, going to the supermarket, fetching my boy after the soccer match, healing his wounds, checking on the homework and on the piano practice, baking pizza for dinner yeah, that was tonight’s menu and putting them into bed before sitting again, in front of my lap top, to write this post.

But today, I did all this feeling in love…I was deep in though and cheerful like when you are in love for the first time in your life.

I realized that I had my inspiration exactly nine months ago…The picture is clear now, the book I am pregnant of is ready to be delivered.

Ah…what a joy.

I might be busy in the next future but I will try to keep on reading your posts and writing my blog, keeping you updated on how the baby is growing.

Strong and healthy…

Love&Rainbow

Copyright2010LorenzaVerdini

THANK YOU NO. 44

In the last past few weeks I have struggled in finding my inner voice , the one which has to come out louder, laughing, joyful, childish. The one that makes me see the point of blogging and writing.

I guess it is a physiological way to go through. ok... I accept it, I am human. The bionicle woman exist only in the comics...I guess one of the lessons I have to learn in this life time is to fight for the important things , to stand up for what I believe in; and as there are things which still hurt me deeply I have taken the decision, probably shocking for some of you, to go see in my past lives to see what are the "unsolved issues" that come back into my life.

For those, who like me, believe in the immortality of the soul, the karma and past lives, we all know that we bring strong impressions from our past lives and what we bring in, usually is unsolved issues. So whatever we resist, persist. It is time now to make it clear.

As weird as it might appear, I want to find out, to unfold the knots which still make me feel bound in the wrong way. So, I ll probably go through a past lives regression process soon.

In this big melting pot of controversial feelings, I have also been thinking to stop blogging, purely because I have lost the goal of my inner fire . But today, when I bumped into my blog, I saw a new follower, no. 44 oh wow!!! and this went straight to rekindle a little bit of the lost fire. But it also went to my heart.

Thank to you all but thanks to no. 44 as you are an important number in my life.

Love& Rainbow

AGAIN, THIS YEAR, SHE IS LATE

When I went “home” last December, I found an old notebook, half broken, where I had written some short stories. I had completely forgotten about it, something that was out of my emotional memory. This is the translation of one of those short stories.

“This year, again , it is my birthday and she is late. They have promised me a beautiful party with kids, grandchildren, great-grand children. I guess I will be the guest of honour “ She looked at her white wrinkled hands, withered by the time.
They were slightly trembling but she could not stand it so she was always with her hands joined softly on her lap. She was waiting for somebody or something since long time.
“I wish I could remember exactly the time when I started to run away from myself…I was probably still young but I did not realise it. Maybe it happened when I got pregnant for the first time…”

She looked at the fireplace, the crackling flame and the same old scent of damp wood when she was a child lost in reveries of gnomes and enchanted forests .
“ Beautiful, this is what I was told since I was born, and I was running after my image. I loved myself in fragments because we did not have a big mirror in our house. I could see my hair curled with the hot iron, or my moist lips, or my long pants or my breast or my arms. I could put my image together after many years when I was trying a dress in a shop. I had already had three children and I froze in front of this stranger who was blushing childish in the big mirror.”

She closed her eyes, letting herself indulge in the old memories; they were so clear that she could feel her heart pounding like many years before. She always had an extraordinary memory which would not let her be free from the past.
“I guess I know now, that I am very old, the uneasiness of my life. I have run after my body because it was the only thing I owned. It was the key to open the door to a better life. I was scared to be late so I got married very young and this body of mine took life. It started to live for him, the first man who told me “good morning” with a warm smile. But I was not myself anymore. Where was I? I gave myself to him, beating the rhythm of my life with pregnancies and miscarriages. My life went by… He did not get old; he was not embracing life like and old accordion out of tune… He was still charming with his grey moustache and his ex-officer’s noble bearing, always kind to anybody. Even to me… because I was... anybody.” One tear rolled down through the sweet hills of her wrinkles. “They are still salty” she thought sadly. The fire was still crackling, warming up her fragile body. A shiver went through her body, shaking her from the immobility.

She thought she should cook something but she was feeling empty.
“ I wanted to be immortal but I lived for the others. My husband, my kids, my family. I did not enjoy my own existence because I humbled myself in the love for them and time has gone by so quickly…what a bad joke. I am alone with this body that does not belong to me. I do not want it, it is not mine , it belongs to someone else…” She closed her eyes again trying to control her breathing, the heart pounding wildly.
An external observer would have thought she was dead because of her immobility. But her vivid mind was thinking that ,again this year Death was late.


Love & Rainbow
Copyright2010LorenzaVerdini

EVERY DAY'S COURAGE

I am reading a book that I probably would not buy myself because of its content. I got it from Paul, a dear friend who went to an open market in Greenpark where some people were selling their organic products.

She, the brand new author, was selling her first published novel. So Paul bought it and gave it to me. I took it with deep respect a first published novel must be worshipped by everybody not being sure if I would enjoy reading about the story of a small girl who is brought up in a family where the mother is alcoholic and the step father is sexually abusing her. But the story takes place in Johannesburg during the 70s and I felt I have to read about the South African society of that time. A kind of inner curiosity was rising up.

So I started this book only few days ago the book is amazing.

The story is obviously intense and touching but what I like most is the fact that the author writes in first person, being Theresa, the girl; this gives the narration an incredible rhythm because of the alternation of feelings and thinking. It is Theresa who is telling us her most intimate fears, thoughts, hopes, dreams and struggles. It is not somebody else describing her; it is her opening up her heart to the readers and showing what is her world with the difficulties of her daily issues. Telling us how she sees the adults’ world and how she is coping with it.

The book is JELLY DOG DAYS by Erica Emdon.

The reason why I started with few words on this book is because I have been thinking a lot about the concept of COURAGE. This is a story of courage.

What entangles my mind is that I cannot really define courage unless I accept that it is a big pot where there are lots of nice ingredients cooking and melting together.

So this is my recipe, please take note and invite your guests for dinner.

Stewed courage Lorenza’s way:

OPENNESS, FORGIVENESS, ACCEPTANCE, FREEDOM , LOVE everything in abundance and according to your palate.

Being open to Life is an act of courage. It is being fully part of this earthly experience, accepting that we can go beyond the limits of what is defined by our five senses. It is welcoming, heart in hands that Teacher Life is there all the time to bring Her message. Feeling this openness to Life is an act of courage.

Forgiveness can never take place without courage; those who cannot forgive are not brave, they can only stay in the midst of their resentment. Forgiving is moving on, accepting deep inside, what happened. It is not love; it is an act of courage.

Acceptance is taking things they way they are, without being judgemental. It is the way it is, I just don’t define what happens with critical thinking. I do not put the events in the cage of my left-brain, but I let them flow freely in order to let them go and move on. This is very difficult and only the brave ones can acknowledge this mental approach; for me it is a kind of spiritual path that needs lots of courage to be undertaken.

Love. Unconditional love requires courage. Selective love is for everybody, including myself. I am very ordinary when I choose whom I want to love. I am the bravest one when I love unconditionally. Loving unconditionally is the difficult way, it comes from the heart and only few can reach this state of enlightment.

But of course they have got plenty of courage.

These ingredients are all important; they mix and blend altogether into the idea of courage.

One last thought: it requires lots of courage being ourselves and this is the everyday courage. Being willing to follow our passions and dreams, expressing our talents.

Those who can run after their dreams, holding a kite, are the brave ones. Those who express themselves writing, painting, loving, singing, healing, working, cooking, giving, sharing, caring are the brave ones. Those who carry on doing what they love, with passion, after getting slaps from Mother Life, are the bravest of the brave ones.

I dedicate my post to all those who love writing and feel they wish to express their creativity.

With unconditional love.

Copyright2009LorenzaVerdini

THE POWER OF WORDS

I feel inspired to write about the power of words today. I’ll take some extracts from my journal, thoughts and poems to feed our souls.

 

22.10.2008 At the bookshop, between hundreds of possibilities, finally my eyes were caught by a small book, the older brother of two more. “THE FOUR AGREEMENTS” by Don Miguel Ruiz.

It is a wonderful book, I guess my instinct guided me well and once more I learn how important is to listen to my inner voice.

I am feeling good in reading it: easy and deep wisdom for my life.

This morning I read the first agreement “be impeccable with your words” and I was amazed how much power we use every day not even knowing it. Words are ENERGY: if we do not speak positive words we are only getting and spreading around NEGATIVITY. The way we speak, the words we say, it is going to come back to us; but it is very difficult to become self-educated because it is so easy to lose control, to gossip, to talk in a harsh way. This “agreement” also takes me back to what Sri Sri Ravi Shankar says: “don’t misuse the power of words…never speak badly even when you are cross”.

I have tried today to be impeccable with my words and I will try again tomorrow and again the following day, and again, and again.

I feel naturally guilty for all the times I lost control with the children. I am neither the only one nor the last one, but still I am responsible for it. I have to go through this feeling of guilt and accept it. It is never too late to act better. It is never too late to improve my feelings. It is never too late to learn. And in this time of my life, where I am discovering so many deep and good things, I feel AGELESS. I feel I can come out of the protective shell and be myself; I know that whatever happens in my life has a deep meaning and a reason to be.

I look at my four children and I cannot find the words to express Life my gratitude for having such beautiful, healthy, clever and good-hearted kids. I feel really honoured they chose me, one day, few years ago, to share this life time and teach me UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

 

I am still trying to be impeccable with my words and must say I am succeeding much better than before. There are still daily situation where my Italian blood come out, sorry, and can’t control some swearing and bad tone of my voice: it usually happens when I deal with taxi drivers in this country (see the post Let the symphony start). But then I become impeccable again… When I feel at peace with every human being around me, I can pick up things that others will never notice…

 

20.11.2008 I saw something so beautiful this morning at school, a image that last only few seconds. A very tall white boy, from the high school, was walking along and talking to a grade nought black boy. Such a big difference in size, age, colours…but they were only one thing and it was pure harmony to see. I understand why I love this country and living here, the opposites that are ONE…

 

Words are the expression of our thoughts and thoughts can influence our feelings. We can also see it the other way around but the result will be the same. Action can be forgotten, words can’t. In the memory of our Life words keep the first place. Using words is an act of FREEDOM, is creativity on a daily basis. It is a tool to interact with others that brings immediate energy to all those around us. Words can be simple or evolved; it is the intention behind that makes the difference. Not misusing the power of words leads us to nurture the mind and the spirit.

 

02.04.2009 Today I was very impressed by the story of one of my friend’s gardener. This guy wishes to do a gardening course to have a certificate and does not know how to get it. She helps him in doing a three-day course so he’ll get the certificate he longed for. He offers her a small tree, that he has grown from a seed, to thank her, but he does not know the name of the tree because “ you know m’am, nobody has ever told me the name of things….” I am so touched; I could not stop thinking of him the whole day. This simple sentence just explains what most people here have gone through. They did not have the right to have an education but also they were not told or explained the basic things. Only orders: do this, do that. When we talk to our pets we name things…

The other side of the coin: we are under the slavery of words that express our thoughts. So, according to Tolle, this gardener is a free spirit because he simply experiences things without enclosing them in mental structures. So, once again I guess the best is to have a balance: knowing while forbidding the intellectual knowledge to be the master of our life.

 

I wish to end with a simple but profound sufi poem.

 

GOD LONG AGO DREW A CIRCLE IN THE SAND

EXACTLY AROUND THE SPOT WHERE YOU ARE

STANDING RIGHT NOW.

 

So I guess I was meant to be here, I was meant to live my experiences and make a treasure of them.

I was meant to learn a discipline with words in order to set me free. Free from bad thoughts and energy.

 

26.02.2009 I feel such bliss. I do not need explanations or logical thinking. I feel it in my core. It is inside me. It is me. Nothing can take it away. That is my treasure and secret. Yes my own deep secret.

 

 

Love & Rainbow

 

 

Copyright2009LorenzaVerdini

NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH

I am overwhelmed today not because it is going to rain. And I do love rain. Not because I am wearing sport Prada shoes with a hole on the tip , that make my look absolutely young and trendy. Not because I am pretty with my new wavy hair and I like myself. Not even because I had a check up 3 days ago with my beloved oncologist and everything is fine. And he looked great, by the way, as fit as a fiddle…I do care about his health…

 

I am overwhelmed with joy because I got a second award from Sarah of THE GOOD GIRLS, with the support of Bob (plainolebob.blogspot.com). The best homemade Tiramisu’ for you guys…

This award is precious and meaningful to me, honestly. I do love writing but I do it without expectations, basically for the pure pleasure of writing. I am not good at computer stuff, so I wish I could express my creativity changing often the layout of my blog, inserting more pictures, making it more dynamic. But then I think…what is important for you is the words and the feelings behind them, so never mind if it is a little boring and the layout is always the same… So I keep on focusing on what gives me joy, putting words on virtual and real paper.

 

This post is going to explain the handful of my loved followers why I am here. And it is going to be the truth, nothing but the truth.

 

Some friends planted the seed in my mind that I should write a book on my Journey, in order to share my experience and helping others. I was keeping on bumping into people having cancer or being diagnosed, in a very casual way. I was doing my best, when requested, to help. The seed was, in the meantime growing, becoming a little shrub. It was growing, of course, into my right brain, the creative side…the other side is only rational dryness…

 

The shrub became a young tree starting to put forth leaves.

 

But then I thought How the hell am I going to write a book of 250 pages? Where am I supposed to start, to end, to fill those pages in with a deep meaning that can grab people from their lives and make them read my book? How am I going to find a publisher if I ever succeed in writing it? 

And on, and on, and on.

 

In the meantime, as hungry reader, I WAS ABSOLUTELY ADMIRED by the stories of famous writers like Stephenie Meyers and Elisabeth Gilbert (I am mentioning the alive ones…Jane Austen is also in my heart) being able to change their lives with successful books.

So I thought again I can write about my journey but I wish I could write a kind of fiction book realising that I do not have the extraordinary idea that will keep me awake day and night for 3 months forgetting to have 4 kids, the cooking, my husband, the dog, my yoga, my meditation, the breathing exercises….. I also realized that I can only write about myself, about my feelings, my thoughts I write with my tummy, not with my intellectual mind.

 

If I want ever write a book, I need a kind of support team.

 

I cannot afford a professional support team, so the idea of writing a blog popped out again from my mind. BOOOOUUUUUM!

I thought I would expose myself, for the first time in my life, to a public writing, with a blog.

 

YOU ARE MY SUPPORT TEAM. This is the truth. Nothing but the truth.

 

So two months ago my blog was born, thanks to the help of my friend Isobel. I did not know what a blog was, she patiently explained me everything and did the “technical” job for me.

 

So, I actually love your comments.

I need your comments.

I enjoy watching myself with your eyes.

I love cooking ideally for you and giving you my best hospitality (we, Italians, love feeding people, did you know that?).

I feel at home when I write my blog.

I feel in heaven when I have a new follower whom I don’t know.

I love reading the blogs I am following and I am committed in leaving comments and enjoy doing it.

 

This is the first time I write for an audience…Oh my Gosh…this is the first time I write in English…Oh goodness me…

 

Being the happiest girl in the world, in love with my blog and my followers, the young tree had become, in the meantime, a strong tree that was about to give its fruits.

 

So one evening, while spooning one of the nicest soup in the world into my kids’ plates, I had a lightening in my right brain for MY BOOK. I was a real storm at 7.00 p.m. in my kitchen where I just stopped breathing and moving, holding a wooden spoon still in the air, paralysed by the awareness that I just had an inspiration.

Life of course, had to go on few seconds after that magic moment, as the hungry mouths were claiming for their food.

 

Quietly I sat down and kept the idea warm into my heart.

The idea has grown, I feel pregnant of this book and I guess one of those days I will start writing. I actually wrote the first sentence that was so beautiful that I stopped writing in adoration.

 

So the book is there because its first sentence was born.

 

Thanks to my followers and supporters who are my fellow travellers. I guess I could not make it alone.

 

 

Love and Rainbow

 

 

 

 

Copyright2009LorenzaVerdini

LIFE COACHING part 2

The Life Coaching experience has been a cruise trip for me.

I do not like open sea water but I am magnetically attracted by the landscape and the water’s sound.

If I have a nightmare, there will probably be a sea scenario involved. I cannot swim in the seaside, unless very close to seashore. Pure panic. I guess I was on the Titanic in one of my previous lives…

So, here I was on the open sea of my life, cruising without a real destination, in the ocean of the infinite possibilities.

 

Some days it was good. I was very creative, optimistic and self confident. Other days I could not even find my energy where are You? Where is my inner Voice? But it was really therapeutically good to be forced to face myself and my natural inclination to avoid taking steps towards my choices. I was becoming conscious of the fact that I had lived for so long only having ideas and never trying to realise them.

 

So my life became a potful of options, which gave me hope, strength, self-confidence but also fear, doubt. Everyday I would have different feelings and would change my mind periodically.

 

15.10.2008 Funny enough things can change with one thought. And why not, if the Universe has been created with one thought, my ideas can change with one evident thought.

And nothing stays the same: we change, nature change, every single cell, atom, quark in the Universe is moving, changing, working, building up, destroying, re-building up…

It is a cosmic dance. So it is for our thoughts and ideas. I felt I had finally found my way, but in a few seconds all I had built up in my mind as a certainty, has been blown down by a simple affirmation. And even if I did not like the affirmation, I must say it is right. I guess it is a good exercise for me to improve my flexibility to life’s options.

 

All the possibilities and ideas were welcome but I think at the same time were confusing me. But again, the strong desire for writing and the love for books were leading the list coming out strong and determined.

 

16.10.2008 I can do lots of things in my life. I can do well lots of things in my life. But if I do not think, what comes out of my heart is that I want to spend my time in between books…

I want my bookshop! I want to write!

 

I believe now I have realised what I am and will always be. I don’t know where the wind of life will blow for me. I do not know if my cruise has to come to an end, but what I know is that the Journey is stunning and I am a gifted person. Because I can see clearly the beauty and the talents in me.

 

If somebody asks me “what do you do in life?” I say, “ I am a writer”. I write, I am free, I am happy. No matter I haven’t published yet. I know what I am; I don’t care of what people think I am.

 

Maria is one of my best friends. I was supposed to help her, with this work, I guess I did. But she gave me much more in term of awareness, because she pushed me to write. 

And writing I got in touch with my Inner Voice.

Thanks Maria for helping me uncover the True Me.

 

I want to end this post with a thought I wrote in October 2008:

 

Self-esteem is the greatest act of unconditional love for ourselves. It means never give up and do our best whatever the feelings are, whatever our life is at the moment. It is not about the results, it is about the way we do things. I guess it is also living our life at its full potential.

 

Today the most beautiful thoughts from my daughter Clara “mum I am satisfied with my life. Thanks because you made me”

I do believe she was born knowing “the secret”…

 

 

Love&Rainbow

 

Copyright2009LorenzaVerdini