THE NEXT STEP

Few days after my Journey session I went for my ultrasound. The tumour that had shrunk at the size of a peanut before the session, was not there anymore. I was overwhelmed with joy but somehow I was expecting it. I could not diagnose myself but I COULD FEEL.

So, both my oncologist and I cheered up of the successful start. In my mind I was healed. I had completely trusted my doctor and the treatments and I felt I was done. End of the story. The oncologist, on the contrary, wanted me to go for surgery, just to make sure. What? There is nothing left, why do I need to go for surgery? I had basically to make up my mind and choose between mastectomy and lumpectomy. I felt that every time I was talking to the doctor I was becoming unsure, full of doubts. As soon as I could be alone, thinking on my own, walking in the nature, being with my children and friends, I was fine and not at all uncertain about my health conditions. I liked the support I had from the “science” but I did not like the doubts, numbers, statistics they wanted to feed me with. So I decided to take some time to think about the next step to undertake.

I think I was fearless since the beginning of my cancer adventure, but I was not brave enough to quit the treatments. The doubts had penetrated somehow into my mind. Probably this was my left-brain judging my capacity to contribute to the healing process. I gave myself time then I decided to go for the lumpectomy. Talking to my wise GP I can’t resolve this dilemma, I feel I am not accepting phase 2 of treatment she told me “why don’t you use your mind to avoid any side effect from all the treatments, the same way you did with the chemo? You can have both with no harm” I started thinking that probably this was the best solution: I pulled myself together and tried focus again on Life and its positive sides not giving energy to the “idea” of the surgery. So I went to the hospital for my lumpectomy. The following day I was out, feeling good (I only took the pain killers once) and the pathology result confirmed that there was nothing in what they cut off, not even scar tissue. That is really my pink, healthy cave… My hair was starting to grow, thin and fluffy like the babies’ ones, a simple sign that my body was there with all its power and wisdom. I don’t ever have to lose trust in my body’s wisdom. Then it was time to face the third phase of the treatment, that is to say the radiations. I had heard lots of negative things on this treatment: fatigue, skin irritation and blisters, local pain and so on so I did not know exactly what to expect. I was upset when I knew I had to go for it every day for 6 weeks why so many? But that was the protocol; the radiologist told me “there are no studies, at present, on women who have done less radiations than this. That's it”. I booked the first one for the following month. Once again I gave myself the time to digest it. In those periods of thinking I have never gone on Internet to get information, statistics, people’s stories. I did not need to feed my mind with negative stuff. What was happening to me was MY STORY, my journey, and it was not comparable with anybody else. I was aware there are more successful people than me, there are people struggling and dying although doing their best numbers and statistics are not for me. But I was certain that I did not want to feed my cells with bad thoughts. I have always FELT at the very core of my soul having answers when I needed them, not looking for anything external to me. I have been blessed to live this experience and being able to lift up the level of my awareness in life.

So I decided I would spend my radiation sessions visualising my immune system protecting me from the side effects. The sessions lasted only few minutes: I used to close my eyes, relax and meet Andy, the foreman of my immune system, directing the action of all the small beings populating my body. I must say it was fun: every day, during the session I visualised that they were spraying cooler foam inside my breast. It was a nice, relaxing, an every day ritual. I had read about the power of visualisation in THE JOURNEY so I thought I had nothing to lose in trying. For the first 5 weeks I did not have side effects at all; the last one my skin was externally pink like after a sunburn but according to the medical staff was nothing serious and it did not last long. And never ever got physically tired.

Still I could not have been so strong and positive alone. I was surrounded by LOVE and loving people.

 

 

Copyright 2009 Lorenza Verdini 

BODY'S WISDOM

For my birthday, I received a wonderful present, from my friend Ana who is one of the Angels’ Gang (as I like to call my dearest friends). I got a book. I love books, I am crazy for books, I like the smell of paper and the feeling of getting lost in a bookshop where time stops going by. I love people writing, I love being one of those people. The book is THE JOURNEY by Brandon Bays. Till that time I was still reading only in Italian, being lazy about pushing myself into a deeper relationship with the idiom of my host country. So I got the book, cuddled it like a baby and started to read it.

I was about to break down the wall that was still keeping me apart from a new world, the world of alternative medicine.

Till that moment I had no clue of what alternative medicine or mind healing was; I was not into it at all, as I was coming from a "traditional thinking" environment. But from the very beginning of the book I understood that I had started a journey into the endless possibilities of my mind and soul Oh my God, but this is what I am doing…this is what I am feeling…I am helping my body to heal…

I was receiving the normal treatments but I could be above them, above the side effects, above any fear or doubts. I was above everything only because I was deeply INTO LIFE. Being into life meant to release old blockages that were stored into my cells memory. Into my soul. I had, like most of us, old unsolved issues, which were contributing to build up my daily unhappiness and feeling of lack.I was naturally FORGIVING whoever or whatever was to forgive. Reading THE JOURNEY was a revelation: I started to know about our cells and their “memory”, about their amazing working process realizing that we are more than numbers but pure energy. So the Journey, according to Brandon Bays experience, is a pure technique that can help people to unblock negative energy stored in our cells' memory. She was very close to Deepak Chopra’s cells’ theory described in his amazing book QUANTUM HEALING. I read both books and carried on putting together the puzzle's pieces. The more I read, the more the whole picture was clear to me. It was magic, I cannot describe my feelings otherwise. I felt like Colombo finding a new world but what really touched me was that I had already done, spontaneously, what was described in the book. I am so blessed. So, I decided to go for a Journey session, which is basically a visualisation technique. I found a fantastic Journey Practitioner and booked my appointment. This was few days before the ultrasound that had to confirm the tumour size. I had already felt that the lump was smaller but I could not “quantify” how much it had shrank. When I went for the session, the lump felt to me like a small nut. From a golf ball to a small nut, not bad at all, in two months time.

So I had the session. I need to write a special post to describe it because it has been an unforgettable experience. Now I just want to say that few days later, when I went to have my ultrasound done, there was nothing left. There is nothing left, oh my God, Adolph is not there anymore. In that right moment, with the doctor speechless with joy I experienced something so deep and indescribable: I was communicating with my body I am in touch with my inner Wisdom, with the Source of Life. So, off I went, deeply moved, to give the good news to my family and friends.

 

 

Copyright 2009 Lorenza Verdini

BLISS AND AWARENESS

I am not going to write about my feelings while I was doing the chemotherapy, I am sure that there are thousands of blogs describing carefully the side effects, the pain, the fear, the doubts. I just want to write about what happened into my mind.

I think that the first very important step was ACCEPTANCE. I never felt guilty of having cancer, never thought once why me? I took it the way it was, one drop in the ocean, accepting it had happened. This feeling was good because it enhanced my humbleness towards Life. I do not own my life, I can only honour it. Accepting to have cancer helped me in LETTING IT GO and MOVE ON.

Moving on from cancer was basically the conscious choice NOT TO GIVE IT ENERGY and it happened in a very spontaneous way. I never went on Internet to research information, I did not need to make my mind busy with cold scientific numbers: I asked all the information I needed to my GP whom I trusted completely. I was asking myself a simple question what is the real reason why I am having cancer? I was not questioning my diet, my life-style, my habits, I was very healthy: I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t eat junk food and as the oncologist said I was not the right candidate for breast cancer. But I was not happy. I was not truly happy. I was Mrs.Fixit unsatisfied since too long. So I kept on asking myself what is the message behind this cancer? The more I thought about it, the more I started to get answers that I could not get from any scientific texts or statistics. The answers were coming from my Consciousness, from the inner Wisdom deep inside myself. I was not realising that I was doing a very powerful approach, only listening to my Source.

So I got the answer this cancer is here to teach me COURAGE not fear; to teach me to LOVE LIFE not to live in fear of death.

It was as simple as breathing, as simple as laughing. I understood that it was my wake up call, the dynamics of my body cells had changed to communicate with me I need to trust my body, I need to listen to it, I don’t have to fear my body. So I started very naturally to focus on Life, the blessing of being alive, healthy oh yes, I am healthy, of having four marvellous children and my husband showing me his love and support. I started to live in the MOMENT I AM ALIVE NOW, I am alive and happy now. Whatever happens tomorrow nothing can take this joy away from me. I understood that fear is only a projection in the past or in the future because we never fear things happening in the present: what if the treatment doesn’t work? What if I react to the therapy, what if the oncologist is wrong? What if I am not the right stats and so forth, wasting LIFE ENERGY, losing the right focus.

This awareness was so powerful that I started to feel deeply connected with the Universe, so not only with my family and friends but with everybody and everything. I wanted to be outside in the nature because I was feeling the connection with it so I used to do long walks almost every day, I was happy to share the simple daily life with my family and I was feeling good. I had four chemotherapies, the most effective but also most aggressive type for the body (it destroys ANY cell, regardless if they are good or not) and I was not having side effects besides being bald. Remember I focused on the fact that some people don’t have side effects…

When I started to lose my hair, I was uncomfortable because although I had been honest with the kids on the therapy's side effects, it was traumatic to touch my hair and having my hand full of it. So I decided to get rid of the "problem", I could not afford to be stressed. I bought a trimmer and on the 1^st of January I called my kids to shave me. It was the best intuition I could have. The small ones really enjoyed the job, they were part of the action, so I was not losing my hair, they were shaving me, which made a big difference in their mind. Then my husband also asked them to shave him, so we were the same. They never felt I was different or ugly, they accepted bandanna mum and at home I never wore something to hide my baldness.

Being bald has been a very interesting experience because I was always very critical with my thin straight hair, so the Universe thought it was time to make me change attitude. I found out I have a beautiful perfectly round head with a big mole on it, and I liked it so much that I was very comfortable with my new clean look; once I rushed out of the garage to go fetch the kids from school that I forgot to wear my bandanna! I did not care about what people could think I just carried on living a normal life, enjoying it at its fullest.

I lost my hair all over my body and instead of feeling ugly felt lucky you see? that is how it is going to be when you are an old granny, so you know, you are prepared I mean I could turn every single thing I was experiencing into a positive and enriching one.

Once somebody asked my youngest daughter “how is your mum?” she replied, “fine, she is not sick, she has got only cancer”. She was only 5 and a half at the time. The kids could see I was fine, I was happy.

With the feeling of happiness to be alive and fulfilled, after the second chemo I started to feel that Adolph was shrinking. I did not dare believing in what I was witnessing but it was really shrinking. After the third chemo the oncologist, exulting for the way I was reacting to the treatment, decided I will have the last treatment in 3 weeks time then I would do an ultrasound to check the size of the tumour and from there we would take our steps.

Soon it would be my birthday and other fantastic things were about to happen.

Copyright 2009 Lorenza Verdini

THE DAY AFTER

The verdict came 36 hours after the biopsy. Everything stated in the report was so easy to understand “carcinoma invasive, malignant cells blah blah blah “ exactly the same words as in Italian, I did not even have to bother with the language. Funny enough, as soon as I had confirmation of my forebodings, I started to let all the tension go. My GP was fantastic; she did not waste one second in organizing the communication with the oncology for the first important tests to do why am I supposed to do X rays and abdominal ultrasound? And blood tests? The first step was to make sure that the bloody stuff was ONLY in the breast why should it be somewhere else? I got a little tense in going for those tests because I hadn’t take into account that I could be worse than what I thought. I still remember the doctor at the ultrasounds, asking me why I was doing the test and me, replying in a low voice breast cancer… it sounded so unnatural to me…But it was time for good news: my abdominal area was clear as well as my chest area so I went out of the hospital exulting in my heart that the bloody stuff hadn’t spread all over my body.I sent my doctor an sms all tests negative, it is localised. One – zero for me: the match starts in my favour; let’s play it to win! I had to wait till Monday to see the oncologist so I decided to name my cancer Adolph and it is not difficult to relate it to the history of 60 years ago (I apologize with all the good Adolph in the world). I wanted to have the feeling of a face-to-face relationship with it I know where you are, I can touch you and I don’t care about you. I am stronger that you, you won’t harm me, I don’t care about you. I am not going to give you ANY ENERGY. I will talk again about this matter of not giving energy to it as it came out spontaneously but it has been the KEYSTONE in my amazing recovery.

We went to meet our distinguished oncologist, the best in South Africa, such a straight person that he will only tell the patient the truth about the chances of making it or not. He told me “just in time because the tumour is placed in the most dangerous sector of the breast if it had spread in the area there would not be treatment to try” You see Adolph? The Lucky Star is protecting me! Two-zero the score “but I can treat you”. At that right moment I gave all my trust in his hands knowing, by instinct, that I will be playing, probably, the last game of my life. I had one chance; I wanted to play my cards well. But I felt BLESSED because I still had that chance. I remember him listing me all the side effects of the chemotherapy that I was about to start in 72 hours time, ending with “but there are very few people who don’ t have side effects, except from baldness few people don’t have side effects, few people don’t have side effects, few people don’t have side effects… resounded in my mind why should not I be in those few people? I want to be one of those few people. We scheduled my first session of chemo for the following Thursday, in the treatment room. I still felt out of place but the reality of things was slowly penetrating into my consciousness. I looked around and saw many young people with their drip on and suddenly I realised something so crucial I am an ORDINARY story; I can only make the difference with my attitude. From that moment on I felt and decided I would have the right attitude.

Copyright 2009 Lorenza Verdini

5TH DECEMBER 2007

I am driving to a place that I know only because there is one of the best fish restaurants in town, own by a gentle Portuguese man ,Pedro, who seems to come out of one of Pessoa´s novel . My kids are busy with birthday parties, it is break up day, the term, the school year is finished, summer is just here to promise wonderful time, everybody is cheerful. I am alone. Today the sky is absolutely breathless, a storm is coming, the colors change into all the shades and hues of grey, dark blue, black. Why there should be black in the sky? I feel like the sky, upset, and I don´ t know why. I feel like a storm is going to happen into my life. I am never worried when I go for checkups, what is this sneaky anxiety that does not leave me alone? I am listening to classical music, it must be Vivaldi or Boccherini, I don´t know, I am not paying attention to the radio speaker talking softly to me. It is just the sound of immortal music that mixes up with the sounds of life outside. Immortal sounds of life...the noisy taxis, people screaming in the street, people calling each other and waving hands, women walking slowly, carrying heavily their backs. I am witnessing all this in slow motion and the sounds reach me the same way they reach a baby in the womb. But I don´ t feel protected today, my car is not my mother´s womb. I park my car and find the place and silently go into the waiting room. It is only a mammogram...the lump is nothing, you always had lumps in your breast... I go for it and go back into the waiting room with a bunch of ladies busy reading the most useless magazines. The lady calls me for an ultrasound why? It wasn´t planned, it must be their careful and professional attention. When there is a lump they prefer to check with an ultrasound as well is she telling me the truth? I lay down on the bed in silence waiting for the doctor to come in, there is no noise except for my wild heart beat. She comes in , introduces herself politely but she looks serious "I am not happy with your mammogram" I beg your pardon? "I am not happy at all with your mammogram" what do you mean? I don´t understand, what language are you talking to me... "There is calcification around your lump and the lump is big. I am sorry but this is not good news, we must do a biopsy now" I cannot talk, I cannot breathe, my heart has stopped beating there must be a mistake with somebody else. My head is spinning, I don´ understand what is going on, what this three lovely ladies are doing now to my body, I am not even scared of the long needle that is approaching my breast, I just want all this to end and go back home. I have got cancer . Cancer. Cancer. She explains me what is going on now and what will happen in a while but I don´t understand a word. Cancer. She tells me that we must wait for the biopsy result probably in 24/36 hours and please don´t lose hope. Cancer. I start crying, finally I understand where I am I have got cancer, I have got four children One lady brings me a glass of water and asks me if she can call my husband no thanks , he´s busy. I have got cancer I take my time to recover myself, my breast is bleeding, my heart is bleeding, time has suddenly stopped. I take every warm hug that those marvelous angels can give me, a lifeless doll in their arms. I need to fetch my kids, I need to go home. I don´t know how I succeed in finding my car, the lady at the parking toll looks at me but I don´t care cancer . I cannot help crying but I must stop it because I cannot see and I am driving. The people at the robot look at this woman who is sobbing alone in the car...It is raining hard outside, the storm has arrived, it is raining on my heart, it is raining on my life, it is raining on my children, it is raining on my future what am I going to tell them? I think of my children and a knife goes deep inside my heart...I think of my family and I feel devastated, I think of my husband and I know he´ll survive (let us all smile on this one). I don´t remember exactly how I succeed in fetching the kids from their parties and say goodbye to the friends, my kids find weird I am wearing sunglasses on a stormy day. I know it isn´t weird.

Once back home I try to hide myself from the evidence of being so upset with the excuse of a migraine, which I really have. I need to rest because of the wound from the biopsy but it is so difficult with the kids excited that the school is over and we are going to Italy for our white Christmas in few days time. I try to handle the situation letting them watch a DVD to distract them. Cancer. My husband notices my eyes and asks "how was the mammogram" I cannot verbalize a word in answer. Then, once the kids in bed, I finally go to my bedroom and cry all the sorrow and fear I have hold in the last few hours. I have cancer That is the only thing I can communicate him who is going to love and take care of my children? He is speechless how can they grow without me? He tries to rationalize solutions but I look at him drained. What are we doing now?

We spend the rest of the night in tears, hugging each other. At a certain point of the night, although exhausted , I start feeling an inner peace, something or somebody whispers in my ears EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT. I smile at my husband and finally fall asleep .

Copyright 2009 Lorenza Verdini