NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH

I am overwhelmed today not because it is going to rain. And I do love rain. Not because I am wearing sport Prada shoes with a hole on the tip , that make my look absolutely young and trendy. Not because I am pretty with my new wavy hair and I like myself. Not even because I had a check up 3 days ago with my beloved oncologist and everything is fine. And he looked great, by the way, as fit as a fiddle…I do care about his health…

 

I am overwhelmed with joy because I got a second award from Sarah of THE GOOD GIRLS, with the support of Bob (plainolebob.blogspot.com). The best homemade Tiramisu’ for you guys…

This award is precious and meaningful to me, honestly. I do love writing but I do it without expectations, basically for the pure pleasure of writing. I am not good at computer stuff, so I wish I could express my creativity changing often the layout of my blog, inserting more pictures, making it more dynamic. But then I think…what is important for you is the words and the feelings behind them, so never mind if it is a little boring and the layout is always the same… So I keep on focusing on what gives me joy, putting words on virtual and real paper.

 

This post is going to explain the handful of my loved followers why I am here. And it is going to be the truth, nothing but the truth.

 

Some friends planted the seed in my mind that I should write a book on my Journey, in order to share my experience and helping others. I was keeping on bumping into people having cancer or being diagnosed, in a very casual way. I was doing my best, when requested, to help. The seed was, in the meantime growing, becoming a little shrub. It was growing, of course, into my right brain, the creative side…the other side is only rational dryness…

 

The shrub became a young tree starting to put forth leaves.

 

But then I thought How the hell am I going to write a book of 250 pages? Where am I supposed to start, to end, to fill those pages in with a deep meaning that can grab people from their lives and make them read my book? How am I going to find a publisher if I ever succeed in writing it? 

And on, and on, and on.

 

In the meantime, as hungry reader, I WAS ABSOLUTELY ADMIRED by the stories of famous writers like Stephenie Meyers and Elisabeth Gilbert (I am mentioning the alive ones…Jane Austen is also in my heart) being able to change their lives with successful books.

So I thought again I can write about my journey but I wish I could write a kind of fiction book realising that I do not have the extraordinary idea that will keep me awake day and night for 3 months forgetting to have 4 kids, the cooking, my husband, the dog, my yoga, my meditation, the breathing exercises….. I also realized that I can only write about myself, about my feelings, my thoughts I write with my tummy, not with my intellectual mind.

 

If I want ever write a book, I need a kind of support team.

 

I cannot afford a professional support team, so the idea of writing a blog popped out again from my mind. BOOOOUUUUUM!

I thought I would expose myself, for the first time in my life, to a public writing, with a blog.

 

YOU ARE MY SUPPORT TEAM. This is the truth. Nothing but the truth.

 

So two months ago my blog was born, thanks to the help of my friend Isobel. I did not know what a blog was, she patiently explained me everything and did the “technical” job for me.

 

So, I actually love your comments.

I need your comments.

I enjoy watching myself with your eyes.

I love cooking ideally for you and giving you my best hospitality (we, Italians, love feeding people, did you know that?).

I feel at home when I write my blog.

I feel in heaven when I have a new follower whom I don’t know.

I love reading the blogs I am following and I am committed in leaving comments and enjoy doing it.

 

This is the first time I write for an audience…Oh my Gosh…this is the first time I write in English…Oh goodness me…

 

Being the happiest girl in the world, in love with my blog and my followers, the young tree had become, in the meantime, a strong tree that was about to give its fruits.

 

So one evening, while spooning one of the nicest soup in the world into my kids’ plates, I had a lightening in my right brain for MY BOOK. I was a real storm at 7.00 p.m. in my kitchen where I just stopped breathing and moving, holding a wooden spoon still in the air, paralysed by the awareness that I just had an inspiration.

Life of course, had to go on few seconds after that magic moment, as the hungry mouths were claiming for their food.

 

Quietly I sat down and kept the idea warm into my heart.

The idea has grown, I feel pregnant of this book and I guess one of those days I will start writing. I actually wrote the first sentence that was so beautiful that I stopped writing in adoration.

 

So the book is there because its first sentence was born.

 

Thanks to my followers and supporters who are my fellow travellers. I guess I could not make it alone.

 

 

Love and Rainbow

 

 

 

 

Copyright2009LorenzaVerdini

LIFE COACHING part 2

The Life Coaching experience has been a cruise trip for me.

I do not like open sea water but I am magnetically attracted by the landscape and the water’s sound.

If I have a nightmare, there will probably be a sea scenario involved. I cannot swim in the seaside, unless very close to seashore. Pure panic. I guess I was on the Titanic in one of my previous lives…

So, here I was on the open sea of my life, cruising without a real destination, in the ocean of the infinite possibilities.

 

Some days it was good. I was very creative, optimistic and self confident. Other days I could not even find my energy where are You? Where is my inner Voice? But it was really therapeutically good to be forced to face myself and my natural inclination to avoid taking steps towards my choices. I was becoming conscious of the fact that I had lived for so long only having ideas and never trying to realise them.

 

So my life became a potful of options, which gave me hope, strength, self-confidence but also fear, doubt. Everyday I would have different feelings and would change my mind periodically.

 

15.10.2008 Funny enough things can change with one thought. And why not, if the Universe has been created with one thought, my ideas can change with one evident thought.

And nothing stays the same: we change, nature change, every single cell, atom, quark in the Universe is moving, changing, working, building up, destroying, re-building up…

It is a cosmic dance. So it is for our thoughts and ideas. I felt I had finally found my way, but in a few seconds all I had built up in my mind as a certainty, has been blown down by a simple affirmation. And even if I did not like the affirmation, I must say it is right. I guess it is a good exercise for me to improve my flexibility to life’s options.

 

All the possibilities and ideas were welcome but I think at the same time were confusing me. But again, the strong desire for writing and the love for books were leading the list coming out strong and determined.

 

16.10.2008 I can do lots of things in my life. I can do well lots of things in my life. But if I do not think, what comes out of my heart is that I want to spend my time in between books…

I want my bookshop! I want to write!

 

I believe now I have realised what I am and will always be. I don’t know where the wind of life will blow for me. I do not know if my cruise has to come to an end, but what I know is that the Journey is stunning and I am a gifted person. Because I can see clearly the beauty and the talents in me.

 

If somebody asks me “what do you do in life?” I say, “ I am a writer”. I write, I am free, I am happy. No matter I haven’t published yet. I know what I am; I don’t care of what people think I am.

 

Maria is one of my best friends. I was supposed to help her, with this work, I guess I did. But she gave me much more in term of awareness, because she pushed me to write. 

And writing I got in touch with my Inner Voice.

Thanks Maria for helping me uncover the True Me.

 

I want to end this post with a thought I wrote in October 2008:

 

Self-esteem is the greatest act of unconditional love for ourselves. It means never give up and do our best whatever the feelings are, whatever our life is at the moment. It is not about the results, it is about the way we do things. I guess it is also living our life at its full potential.

 

Today the most beautiful thoughts from my daughter Clara “mum I am satisfied with my life. Thanks because you made me”

I do believe she was born knowing “the secret”…

 

 

Love&Rainbow

 

Copyright2009LorenzaVerdini

LIFE COACHING

Back again to my journey.

Once I finished my treatments and I was into yoga, meditation and breathing technique, I started to feel lots of energy what am I going to do now? I was feeling that my life had a new meaning because the message behind the cancer was so clear to me wake up now, it is time to do the things you love in life, be the person you WANT TO BE . But it was so difficult, after so many years of lethargy, to detect the sparkle in me. Because basically there was a huge fire works happening inside, while my normal life was still going on every single day…Mother, woman, cook, psychological supporter, taxi driver, doctor and so forth, I mean the Big Boss of my company (that is my big family…).

I was feeling uncomfortable and confused when my dearest friend Maria, who was studying Life Coaching at UCT (University of Cape Town) asked me” would you like to be my guinea pig”? Never in my life an animal was more appropriate…

So, feeling the biggest guinea pig in Joburg, I gladly accepted to undertake a very interesting trip and off I went for a jump back into my introspection…

We started to have regular meetings, which were delighted by good Italian cappuccinos.

The first aim of the coaching was to build up ideally the house of my broad possibilities, one brick at the time. To do this, I had to detect repeated patterns, mind and habits, taking notes on a journal, three times a day, pretending to have a mini-me on my shoulders that would watch my behaviours and thoughts. Basically the mini-me was the author of the journal…

30.07.2008 I keep in mind that I should write the children’s stories. I don’t want to let them go… I want to create and grow options. To help others, to grow spiritually, to express my creativity, to work. To study and learn things. What more? What am I good at? Writing, organizing, being related to people, I am serious, reliable, I do things with my heart, I am honest and devoted to everything I do…

It was absolutely extraordinary: I was going to explore the wide range of possibilities and feeling ABSOLUTELY LOST with ups and downs of energy, great ideas, huge doubts and fears. I was alone and free but also feeling missing because I was looking for the true voice in me, the one I had been repressing for such a long time… The goodness of the journal was undeniable.

18.08.2008 Very difficult time indeed where I feel lost. Many ideas and wishes that crash against the uncertainty of not having found “the one goal”. Still too many issues, I guess unsolved issues. I need to try to “unplug” my mind from the idea of finding what I want to do now. My feeling is that I have achieved almost nothing in my life because I have never built something. Something on my own…

A man will never understand deeply what kind of tearing a woman can have inside. Because “nature” and “society” put him in the position of having certain priorities and responsibilities. So it goes… and still, even trying to speak the same language, the starting point is different…

So if I were 95 what things would I like to have achieved in my life?

1. A healthy-fit granny body, to run after the grand grand children.
2. Intellectual blossoming and spiritual growth: having studied at University and developed the spiritual path.
3. Travelling: I should have travelled a lot, maybe 4 to 6 months a year, after I retired.
4. My base would be a big house in South of France where I could have the whole family around.
5. I would have published a successful book from which someone would have done a movie, Oscar winning movie.
6. My wealth would come from the book and my husband business.
7. I would feel like a 43 years old woman, because my life started at 43…
8. I would have been involved in the social and environment issues being more and more “green”.
9. Mainly I would have NO REGRETS for unaccomplished things.

During the life coaching work so many options and possibilities came out, it was like the child at the Wonder Fair “I like this, I like that” but I was also feeling bewildered. I was losing the only certainty I had had in my life till then, which was my choice of not choosing. I had let myself go to the stream of life avoiding taking position and stand up in what I liked and wanted to do in life. This was a leit motif and only now I was becoming aware of it.

20.08.2008 Facing the ups and downs of my mood and self-esteem is quite challenging; it is also a new way of treating life itself. I feel like I can detach from the problem and watching it, and it is something new. So I guess I can work better on it. The more I think about it, the clearer it becomes. My focus is shifting on studies that can give me the opportunity to write. The way to combine the wish for an intellectual growth and the desire of writing.

And writing is part of me.

The sessions with Maria were not only enriching and useful; they were a conscious jump back into my awareness.

12.09.2008 I’ve just had my session with Maria. It is very stimulating and intense; the exercises push me to think in a different way. To take into account different points of view.

As children we learn to stand up and walk and from that moment it seems to be the only angle possible from which we can observe and learn. It is incredible if a child or any person wants to lie down on the ground to watch the sky or simply to have another perspective. We never think “oh it is so beautiful to watch the world from here!” That is what has happened to me with my cancer experience: I found myself on the ground observing this experience from another angle. Ah what a blessing…I felt all my senses were more receptive and powerful and I could see through. I could see so well only because I lay down and decided to see from another point of view. I went beyond threaten and fear. I decided to trust my body and its wisdom. I decided my body is a gift. I love it and it loves me. This could have never been possible if I thought that I could only stand up.

This work went on for a few unforgettable weeks. Two options were absolutely recurrent: my love for studying and learning new things and the absolute and natural passion for writing.

So, one sunny day, I looked at myself in the mirror and said you are a writer, you cannot help it and off I went holding tight, with love, my mini-me.

This is only the first chapter of the Big Book of my Life.

Love & Rainbow

Copyright2009LorenzaVerdini

LET ME BE

What do you do when you need to pray and don’t know how to do it?

I listen to my heart.

 

 

 

Please God, help me forgiving.

Please help me to live in harmony and balance.

Loving unconditionally.

Help me to accept the differences.

Show me the way.

Light up my fire.

Give me a spark when it is dark.

Let me focus on Life.

Teach me how to pray.

Set me free.

Set me free.

Set me free.

Teach me forgiveness.

Unconditional Love.

Light.

Nothing come from outside.

Open up my heart.

Let it flow.

Let me walk on your path.

Hold my hand while I am learning.

Let me go when it is my time.

Let me stay to make my journey beautiful.

Let me be a free spirit.

Let me be.

Copyright2009LorenzaVerdini

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I have finally decided to pass on my award to two lovely blogs, completely different from one another.

THE GOOD GIRLS by Sarah, who entertains with her talented way of writing, always surprising the readers. I like the feeling of no time and no space that I get from her posts, jumping from one place and time to another. I am always looking forward to reading her and I do it anytime she posts something new.

KIM UNDER THE SUN by Kim. I like this blog very much because it is a creative blog. Words can beautifully blend with photos, artistic photos.  Kim is an artist exploring new frontiers of the human being. I do love this blog.

Well done to these two newly awarded LOVELY BLOG.

Because I am still bad at computer stuff, you can find their links on my Blogroll.

Today I wanted to show you how beautiful is the South african nature, putting nice photos on my post. But I could not find my photos anymore. Vanished. Gone. My computer does not hold my beloved photos anymore. I'll have to recall at Sherlock Holmes talent to find out what happened, before strangling somebody (who?who?who?). I keep on feeling annoyed by this accidents: I try to accept those linked to my incapacity of being good and independent at computer stuff, but I struggle to accept the Fate interference (mmmmhhhhh........). 

Was it because of last night storm? Or maybe because food was too spicy ? Or because my kids kept on fighting the whole day, that I ended up with a migraine thinking does anybody need an au-pair with experience, speaking fluently three languages, cooking well, always happy and cheerful (almost...) ? I also thought I could look for adoption, if a mother can be adopted.

I know the reason why they fight, basically no. 2 vs. no. 4... but please give me a break, stop polluting my living space...

I need to go now, the raincoat is on the wall hanger, the pipe is still in my pocket, Watson is waiting downstairs...

Love & Rainbow

Copyright2009LorenzaVerdini