I JUST WANT TO BE A SEAGULL

Have you spread your wings?

Are you living a real fulfilled life where your wishes and desires are satisfied?

Those questions come to my mind in a very cold but sunny day. One of those days when you think you could go out in short sleeves but in reality you can be frozen dead in 2 minutes. Isn’t life like that? We dream of our life since we are children then things change and often reality is the opposite. Often, not always.

Desire, desear in Spanish, desirer in French, desiderare in Italian, the same etymological root. It means “to stop gazing at the stars with a well-wishing purpose” from its Latin origin de-siderare. Basically it means “don’t ask the stars what you need in life but have the courage of becoming the main actor of your life”.

When did you last expressed openly what you desire in life? What if you realise that you are living in a cage and that your all being is just there, outside, waiting to fly high?
Sometimes it is enough to open the drawer of our childhood memory to fly again and to see Life, from high, as a bright path, full of magic.
Sometimes we don’t believe in the power of Change and there, we feel trapped.

I met one of my best friends the other day, her story touches me and inspires me the following words.

I cannot stand this life anymore. This is not my life. It their life. It is what they always wanted me to be. To be married, have a family and a steady job, living close to them. They need to have my life under control to feel that they love me. I am choking… When did I lose the courage of being myself and saying what I really think and wish? Probably I never had it.

I have never been good enough for him. If I got 90% at school he would ask “where is the 10% left?” If I got a new job he would criticize it because “it is not good enough for you”. Whenever I expressed a creative idea he would pull it down because according to “his” experience it will not work…”ideas have never produced bread to eat”.
So I just ended working in the family business where he is still the boss. The despot of everybody’s breaths and thoughts. I don’t count in terms of thinking, bringing new inputs. I just execute orders in that office, eight hours a day because I am just too young and lack experience.

I am 37. I am 37. I am 37. But I am good at work. I am inclined to connect with people, I am quick, well organizes, hard worker, have creative ideas and good problem solving skills. And a B.A. in Political Sciences in one of the best Italian University. I am 37. I am 37. I am 37. Half of my life has gone.

She criticizes me. I am not good at cooking, I hate cooking. She is never happy because my fridge is empty. I hate shopping. So she cooks for my son, who is four, but she seasons every dish with a good dose of poison. She believes he can survive better with her and her spicy thoughts. Rather than with my love and my quick meals. Because I am not the woman she wants me to be. I don’t fit in her mental pattern. I don’t like to have regular meals, food is not important to me, but I deeply love my son. And he loves pizza!

I love travelling and meeting new people. I want to know new places, I speak English and Spanish, she only speaks Critics and Grudges and never makes one step alone. The shade of the despot is heavy on her too.

I often think that she has never been happy with my father and she tries to get even with me. I let them take all the territory of my life. I let things be because I did not want to hurt them. I wanted to please them all the time. Why? Why do I need to please them? I do not owe them anything not even the fact that I am existing. So if it is true that I have chosen my parents, that my soul has chosen to be back in my tall and slim body, with those two parents, I guess I have something big to heal. And to learn. Courage. The courage of being myself despite their thinking on me. The courage of spreading my wings.

My husband is a good man. Honest, quiet, without ambitions in life. Too good for me.The best for him is to spend a Sunday afternoon watching soccer on TV. We travel because I want to travel. Everything that comes to our life is fine for him. He does not express opinions. My steady job is the best for him because his job is temporary. I am the economical strength of the family but I want to fly high. I wish I could be in London, in Amsterdam, in Paris, in New York , in any place where I can feel the pulsing life in every breath I take. I need to leave and I am here for my son. I want to leave, I don’t want this life, it is their life. Still I don’t find the courage to scream and let myself go to the freedom of my wildest thoughts.

I am tall and slim but I have lost lots of weight in the last few months. I cannot swallow, I am never hungry, I cannot sleep. I guess that is my soul’s scream. I am burning with passion for somebody who is not part of the plan.
I met him by chance, we really bumped into each other. We knew from long time ago and had lost contact. It took me half an hour and a good coffee to realize that I was laughing breezy just tuning with him and all his being. His smile landed into my heart softly.
It took me two days to realise that I was madly in love with him. It took us two days to realise that we are made for each other and that we were waiting to be together in this lifetime. So my life is the total chaos. It is out of the rules of society. I hate my steady job, the family business, I am not the typical housewife and mother, I am not a wife anymore.

I am a woman. And I am 37 and don’t know what to do. I don’t fit in the cage that I let them build around me, all my being is screaming for freedom.
What am I going to do? I will be responsible of throwing the bomb because it will blow up. Sooner or later. And their life will be destroyed because of the bad girl. I never wanted to be the perfect angel. I just want to be a seagull.

Love & Rainbow
Copyright2009LorenzaVerdini