I MISS YOU (index finger pointed out) !

What do you do if you cannot sleep at night and it is not because of the coffee you had before going to sleep? I write. You write. He writes. We write. You write. They write. Drinking herbal tea because I cannot REALLY drink coffee this time of the night.

I am thinking that I miss your comments. But this is not the reason why I cannot sleep, honestly. I wish I could put more pathos in this post but I know I won't succeed. I miss your comments as the most important food for the soul. I miss you fellow traveller, mother of three, Shrek and Fiona, beautiful soul, busy career woman, web site designer, doctor, writer, fast food employee, depressed one, happy one, teacher and student, inventor, love seeker, gay and lesbian, Cinderella, old school mate. I miss you ex-boyfriend and lover. I miss you my best friend. I miss the story behind your face. I miss you as source of exchange. So I just write a quick reminder:

1. The official languages of this blog are:English, Italian , French. Options available: some Spanish, Arabic, German,Portuguese, Zulu, Afrikaans and few Italian dialects (as long as you comment, other languages are accepted)

2. My blog is very basic which is another way of saying that probably it has a boring layout. I know my limits, but I try to make it more dynamic although "I am still bad at computer stuff".

I get so frustrated when I follow the instructions and cannot even upload a picture!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I 'll get there, I'll get there, I'll get there...

3. You are welcome to rate it: I 'll never know what mark I got from you, so I' ll still love you.

4. My children are proud of me and this is the main reason why I think I have to keep on writing, they think I am FAMOUS (ssshhhhhhhh don't tell them the truth). The second best reason is that I cannot help loving writing. Is that enough?

5. My family does not read my blog. It sounds sad, I know but the reason is that they don't understand English and are disappointed I did not write in Italian. So I cannot have their support that, as every young blogger know, is soooooooooooooooo important.

6. We all have a hectic life, children, partners, dogs, cats, in-laws, and we are all busy working, writing and reading so I cannot expect you to be always there. I understand. Honestly. But if you spend 90 seconds or less on my blog, probably you could spend 99 seconds and tell what you think about it. This is the only way to improve for me and get good energies. So if you drop a comment now and then, with nonchalance, I promise they 'll be kept as the most precious treasure. I enjoy them all.

Last but not least I LOVE YOU ALL. Even if you don't comment my blog.

Hope you sleep tight.

Love & Rainbow

I LOVE WINTER

Two days ago I read a lovely post from Dan, in his amazing blog, Vacant mind, about his love for winter.

It actually inspired me a lot, because I am a winter lover (I mean that I love winter, not that I love only in winter!). Lots of thought came to my mind and now, that I have been living in South Africa for three years, winter even means a lot more to me.

I was born on a cold Italian winter, does it mean anything? I have noticed that some of my friends who were born in summertime are meteoropathic: they need the sun. A cloudy or a cold day makes them feel depressed or, in the best case, low energy. I love rain, I love autumn and also winter. When I was living in Tuscany on a rainy night I would go to bed, under my feather duvet and listen to the rain symphony till I fell asleep. It is an ancestral music that touches the strings of my soul. I feel really connected to the nature. I love wearing warm clothes and going out to walk in the cold. And then come back home, in the warmth of the nest. I love cooking soups, hot chocolate, baking; all those things create the unique atmosphere of my winter. And the scents…They are not the same as in summer, obviously. We probably get the scents coming from the woods were we have lots of chestnuts, damp fallen leaves and mushrooms. Have you had a risotto with Italian porcini mushrooms (wild mushrooms)? Or polenta with bolognaise sauce and porcini mushrooms? It is an ecstasy for the palate. So when I go back to Italy I always put a bag of dried porcini mushrooms in my luggage. What make winter special to me it is also the soft hues of colours that the nature offers us. The sun it is never strong or aggressive it is there just to caress softly our faces. The trees have lost their leaves, witnessing a cycle that will never end. The sky is there, relaxed and lazy, over our heads. I can see it, I can touch it.

I can smell when it is going to snow. There is a particular scent that I can recognize and one day later it is snowing. And that is happiness. I started to ski when I was three years old and what I remember of those privileged holidays is the feeling of freedom and happiness. And the immensity of those high mountains. I felt a small speck comparing to them. I loved skiing so much, even being that little, that I used to launch myself down the slopes without the ski sticks (very bothering accessory…) straight down to the end of the slope. No hat, no gloves only the cold wind in my hair. Once I decided to go on my own, because I knew the slopes very well (I was an experienced skier of 5 years old) so off I went, enjoying the freedom and the mountains. I actually shook off my father, who was in charge of me. He was not really happy. Then I got lost, because that is what happens to a 5 years freedom-seeker skier. Everybody was really worried but, I don’t remember how, I managed to find my way back. It was dark, the experienced ski trainers (coach? teacher?) were looking for me with torches, the wolves were howling (yes, there were wolves on those mountains) my mother was frozen desperate holding my sister’s hand, at the bottom of the slope. Then I thought what is happening? Why all those people are here? Oh here there is mum and Betty, and dad. Why is he walking up and down so nervously? So I launched myself down at the highest speed I could. I don’t remember being punished or reproached in a bad way. I was happy to be back to my family and have the sweetest hot chocolate. Probably the reproached one was my father how could you “lose” you child? But please find me a father who never got distracted and lost his child at the playground or in the supermarket. This is another topic for a future post.

Love & rainbow

Copyright 2009 Lorenza Verdini

PURE ENERGY the poem

I wrote this poem on the 19 July 2008, long before I thought I could write this blog. I found it today, in a hidden page of a notebook and decided to share it with You.

 

PURE ENERGY

Burn this candle.

And think of me.

And thinking of me, you will see my eyes.

And in my eyes you will see the mountains

The oceans, the sky.

You will ear the sound of the waves

Your mother’s laughter

The first breath of a child

The seagull’s cry.

And then you’ll see the eyes

Of all those before us

And those who will be after us.

And in their eyes you will see yours.

Because yours and mine are ONE.

We are all one in the Universe.

We are all pure energy.

 

 

 

Love & rainbow

 

 

 

Copyright 2009 Lorenza Verdini

MEDITATION

This week is NAVARATRI. I will quote my teacher’s Vani words: “NAVA means nine, and also fresh, new. RATRI means giving solace or rest. TRI means three. There three types of problems that may affect a person: physical, mental, spiritual. Navaratri means the nine nights that give you rest from all these three types of problems.

The nine days represent the nine months spent by the baby in her mother’s womb, that is to say the evolution of the consciousness to a heightened awareness.

In life there are positive and negative qualities that affect us. Navaratri represents how the negativity can be conquered by the inherent positive qualities in an individual so that one emerges as a divine being. The Navaratri celebrations are done for the benefit of all the humanity. It is done with the intention that all people should be happy”.

 

If you meditate or follow a spiritual path, this week all your practises are more intense and deep. There is more connection with the Divine in the Universe.

 

One year and a half ago I have started to meditate after having read how good it is for healing. I did not know what to do, I hadn’t bought any book about it nor done a course yet. I just stretched out in bed, early morning and closed my eyes. The expert ones know perfectly that the optimal posture to meditate is being seated crossed legs or in a chair or on a meditation bench. But lying down in bed is more for couch potatoes than for spiritual seekers. Well I was unaware of all this. So my very first meditation was very relaxed. After a while I was absolutely so relaxed that I felt weightless, sinking in my comfortable mattress but not feeling my body; then I started to see lots of colours like waves of coloured clouds just showing off in front of my closed eyes. The colour range went from all the shades of yellow and orange with the permanent presence of a violet background. Wow…it is better than what I could expect of course my mind was very active with enthusiastic comments for the show going on, which tells everybody that I was not really meditating. But those were my energy’s colours. I think I lazed in this bed-meditation for a while and then fell asleep. When I woke up I was thrilled but also relaxed. I was thinking I have meditated, I have meditated and felt like repeating the experience. I repeated it, till one day a dear friend of mine suggested we should do a proper meditation course. We thought we could go with our husbands and learn altogether. So she got in touch with an old meditation teacher, very academic and experienced man, who taught her meditation 15 years earlier. The course was quite expensive so I pictured myself in a very “Zen” clean place, with waterfall sounds, birds chirping outside, surrounded by nature and people very fit and dressed in white. To my surprise the course was late in the evening in a scary area of the city, in a stinky old ram-shackling flat that made us feel the main characters of a horror movie. Johannesburg can be very dangerous. Our teacher was weird. Oh he is really really weird. After the introductory talk that lasted till midnight (he was the only one to talk, not bad for a professional meditator) he asked us why we wanted to learn meditation. I said I wish to meditate to improve my healing. Looking into my eyes he said“ don’t worry, if you meditate regularly you ‘ll survive slightly longer than what the doctors expect you to live” Bloody hell, does this old wizard know that I am not going to die for the next 100 years? So, content with the thousands information he had given us we scheduled our first meditation session. Then I asked my friend how old is he? She said “he must be 85 now”. Before leaving she told him “You look so great, Peter” “oh thanks my dear I have just turned 70!” I ran away to burst out with laughter. We spent our way back talking over the cell phones about the evening and I really split my sides laughing. I felt so good afterwards!

So we did the course. Once a week from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m. for about 6 weeks. Everything was new and bizarre. This man chanting in Sanskrit without warning us oh my gosh what is he doing? The rituals before the meditation, the whole atmosphere. But it was the beginning of something that would become a daily practise for me. Once my friend’s husband was so relaxed in the meditation that he fell asleep and started snoring loudly close to me. We, the girls, tried not burst out with laughter, unsuccessful attempt, to which the teacher reacted trying to make his Sanskrit chanting louder.

We really had fun. But this experience, unforgettable for many things, planted the seed to develop a spiritual path in our lives.

 

 

Copyright 2009 Lorenza Verdini

THE NEXT STEP

Few days after my Journey session I went for my ultrasound. The tumour that had shrunk at the size of a peanut before the session, was not there anymore. I was overwhelmed with joy but somehow I was expecting it. I could not diagnose myself but I COULD FEEL.

So, both my oncologist and I cheered up of the successful start. In my mind I was healed. I had completely trusted my doctor and the treatments and I felt I was done. End of the story. The oncologist, on the contrary, wanted me to go for surgery, just to make sure. What? There is nothing left, why do I need to go for surgery? I had basically to make up my mind and choose between mastectomy and lumpectomy. I felt that every time I was talking to the doctor I was becoming unsure, full of doubts. As soon as I could be alone, thinking on my own, walking in the nature, being with my children and friends, I was fine and not at all uncertain about my health conditions. I liked the support I had from the “science” but I did not like the doubts, numbers, statistics they wanted to feed me with. So I decided to take some time to think about the next step to undertake.

I think I was fearless since the beginning of my cancer adventure, but I was not brave enough to quit the treatments. The doubts had penetrated somehow into my mind. Probably this was my left-brain judging my capacity to contribute to the healing process. I gave myself time then I decided to go for the lumpectomy. Talking to my wise GP I can’t resolve this dilemma, I feel I am not accepting phase 2 of treatment she told me “why don’t you use your mind to avoid any side effect from all the treatments, the same way you did with the chemo? You can have both with no harm” I started thinking that probably this was the best solution: I pulled myself together and tried focus again on Life and its positive sides not giving energy to the “idea” of the surgery. So I went to the hospital for my lumpectomy. The following day I was out, feeling good (I only took the pain killers once) and the pathology result confirmed that there was nothing in what they cut off, not even scar tissue. That is really my pink, healthy cave… My hair was starting to grow, thin and fluffy like the babies’ ones, a simple sign that my body was there with all its power and wisdom. I don’t ever have to lose trust in my body’s wisdom. Then it was time to face the third phase of the treatment, that is to say the radiations. I had heard lots of negative things on this treatment: fatigue, skin irritation and blisters, local pain and so on so I did not know exactly what to expect. I was upset when I knew I had to go for it every day for 6 weeks why so many? But that was the protocol; the radiologist told me “there are no studies, at present, on women who have done less radiations than this. That's it”. I booked the first one for the following month. Once again I gave myself the time to digest it. In those periods of thinking I have never gone on Internet to get information, statistics, people’s stories. I did not need to feed my mind with negative stuff. What was happening to me was MY STORY, my journey, and it was not comparable with anybody else. I was aware there are more successful people than me, there are people struggling and dying although doing their best numbers and statistics are not for me. But I was certain that I did not want to feed my cells with bad thoughts. I have always FELT at the very core of my soul having answers when I needed them, not looking for anything external to me. I have been blessed to live this experience and being able to lift up the level of my awareness in life.

So I decided I would spend my radiation sessions visualising my immune system protecting me from the side effects. The sessions lasted only few minutes: I used to close my eyes, relax and meet Andy, the foreman of my immune system, directing the action of all the small beings populating my body. I must say it was fun: every day, during the session I visualised that they were spraying cooler foam inside my breast. It was a nice, relaxing, an every day ritual. I had read about the power of visualisation in THE JOURNEY so I thought I had nothing to lose in trying. For the first 5 weeks I did not have side effects at all; the last one my skin was externally pink like after a sunburn but according to the medical staff was nothing serious and it did not last long. And never ever got physically tired.

Still I could not have been so strong and positive alone. I was surrounded by LOVE and loving people.

 

 

Copyright 2009 Lorenza Verdini 

THE JOURNEY part 4

In this last part of my journey I understand the meaning of having met my father, who passed away in 2001. It is the amazing end of this incredible session that lasted in total not more than 2 hours.

 

 

The eight of us decide to leave the heart. We go up to a metallic stairs, in a single file. The stairs is very steep and leads us very high to a door. I open it and…there is only void, the sky is blue, we cannot go back. We can only jump into this open space. Holding hands, we jump into the void, in the infinite blue sky. It is fantastic, I cannot really describe it, we are flying together, weightlessness in the infinite. We are not scared, it is absolutely beautiful. Free from our bodies, fears, thoughts. We only feel joy.

After a while we land softly on a flourishing green grass where we find a light aircraft. My father is silently waiting for us at the aircraft’s door. He looks very pale and he’s wearing white clothes. The aircraft takes off flying through the most stunning landscape I have ever seen: luxuriant nature, waterfalls, birds, animals. It’s so beautiful that I am speechless, I only FEEL the beauty surrounding me, my nose glued at the aircraft’s window. I am overwhelmed when I realise that my father is piloting. I cannot hold back my sobs of joy, shaken by the deep meaning of what I see and perceive.

Everything is clear, no words are needed.

The small aircraft lands softly on a golf course; we get out one at the time, silently. Still in silence I turn myself to look at my father, one last time, he is near the aircraft. I feel a sharp pain in my heart for this ineluctable separation.

We go walking through a rocky path that leads us to a Club House: there we find our shuttle and I understand it is time to go back. I hug my mother, my daughters Clara and Eva, my young sister and me and we leave. In a second we are back to the dark place where there is the door with striking light behind. We get off the shuttle, going to open that door again. A strong sunlight and a pleasant breeze overcome me, I need to know where we are. It is High Mountain, witness of Life and History, so majestic that I feel to be nothing and everything with the Universe. I look around; we are very high, only surrounded by mountains and open space. I am in pure bliss, I could stay like that forever. There is no time, no body, and no mind. Only energy. PURE ENERGY. I don’t know for how long I live the intensity of that moment, I feel I am part of Life with all my cells, in a Life vortex that will always BE. When I start feeling the fresh grass under my feet and look at the beauty of the nature around me, I see that there is a cableway waiting for us. We take it to travel through the open space that takes us down. And there, we find our husbands and children waiting for us anxiously.

And I can only feel LOVE knowing that my journey has come to an end.

 

Copyright 2009 Lorenza Verdini

THE JOURNEY part 3

In this part of my Journey, we land into my heart. It is a very strong experience because there I meet important people in my life.

 

 

Our shuttle takes us somewhere else, but I do not know what to expect. I get off warily, I have got the feeling to be at a King’s court. I look around and see a huge heart that dominates majestically this place. It is beautiful, red, with a white vein that runs through it like an upside down V. Like my small pebble, my fellow traveller. I feel moved because I can see it beating. My sister and I get closer to see it better; the more we get closer, the more curious we are. It is huge, imposing, rhythmically beating just in front of me. I feel very small and have a feeling of deep respect: I know I am in the presence of a King. I want to see what it looks like so, calling my sister I hold her hand and we jump inside the heart. I am speechless: there is psychedelic lights and disco dance music of the 80s. We start to laugh and dance in unrestrained way, like two young girls for the first time in a disco. It ‘s an awesome feeling, the ground is so soft and swinging it feels like being on a water mattress. We start jumping high like on a trampoline, and we laugh. And more we laugh the more we jump. Betty is really cool. We jump, we fall, we get up, we tumble turn, we jump again and we laugh inside this crazy heart that gives us such a fun! Exhausted but happy we sit on the soft ground, cross-legged in front of each other. We stay still for a while, just looking into each other’s eyes and communicating with our hearts. I feel somebody’s presence and turning my face I see two young girls, smiling quietly next to us. I look at them but I know who they are. I recognize them, it is us when we were children. Suddenly a lightning in my mind: Betty the princess no.2, the one always responsible and mature, the one of  “work before pleasure”, the shorter and chubby one, a talent who does not win, the one who hasn’t got fighting temper. I feel a terrible pain and silent tears start rolling down my cheeks: I can feel, in every cell of my body what my sister, as a child, feels. I am her, in every breath and every glance. And I understand. I have never thought about it, why? Why I have never realised how difficult it could be for her to have a sister who is often first? I did not want this, I did not want to hurt her. I did not want differences between us. The two of us children are smiling and quiet. They are playing together. They are pretty; I can see they love each other a lot. So true love is stronger than difference, than sorrow, than shade. I now understand that maybe I was the favourite one and my heart feels a sharp pain. I turn myself and I see my youngest daughters, Clara and Eva; they are playing nicely with the two of us children. I understand, I understand, I understand everything. And on the other side I see my parents. We are eight people sitting in circle. We communicate without talking. But it is time to leave the heart.

 

 

Copyright 2009 Lorenza Verdini