THE NEXT STEP

Few days after my Journey session I went for my ultrasound. The tumour that had shrunk at the size of a peanut before the session, was not there anymore. I was overwhelmed with joy but somehow I was expecting it. I could not diagnose myself but I COULD FEEL.

So, both my oncologist and I cheered up of the successful start. In my mind I was healed. I had completely trusted my doctor and the treatments and I felt I was done. End of the story. The oncologist, on the contrary, wanted me to go for surgery, just to make sure. What? There is nothing left, why do I need to go for surgery? I had basically to make up my mind and choose between mastectomy and lumpectomy. I felt that every time I was talking to the doctor I was becoming unsure, full of doubts. As soon as I could be alone, thinking on my own, walking in the nature, being with my children and friends, I was fine and not at all uncertain about my health conditions. I liked the support I had from the “science” but I did not like the doubts, numbers, statistics they wanted to feed me with. So I decided to take some time to think about the next step to undertake.

I think I was fearless since the beginning of my cancer adventure, but I was not brave enough to quit the treatments. The doubts had penetrated somehow into my mind. Probably this was my left-brain judging my capacity to contribute to the healing process. I gave myself time then I decided to go for the lumpectomy. Talking to my wise GP I can’t resolve this dilemma, I feel I am not accepting phase 2 of treatment she told me “why don’t you use your mind to avoid any side effect from all the treatments, the same way you did with the chemo? You can have both with no harm” I started thinking that probably this was the best solution: I pulled myself together and tried focus again on Life and its positive sides not giving energy to the “idea” of the surgery. So I went to the hospital for my lumpectomy. The following day I was out, feeling good (I only took the pain killers once) and the pathology result confirmed that there was nothing in what they cut off, not even scar tissue. That is really my pink, healthy cave… My hair was starting to grow, thin and fluffy like the babies’ ones, a simple sign that my body was there with all its power and wisdom. I don’t ever have to lose trust in my body’s wisdom. Then it was time to face the third phase of the treatment, that is to say the radiations. I had heard lots of negative things on this treatment: fatigue, skin irritation and blisters, local pain and so on so I did not know exactly what to expect. I was upset when I knew I had to go for it every day for 6 weeks why so many? But that was the protocol; the radiologist told me “there are no studies, at present, on women who have done less radiations than this. That's it”. I booked the first one for the following month. Once again I gave myself the time to digest it. In those periods of thinking I have never gone on Internet to get information, statistics, people’s stories. I did not need to feed my mind with negative stuff. What was happening to me was MY STORY, my journey, and it was not comparable with anybody else. I was aware there are more successful people than me, there are people struggling and dying although doing their best numbers and statistics are not for me. But I was certain that I did not want to feed my cells with bad thoughts. I have always FELT at the very core of my soul having answers when I needed them, not looking for anything external to me. I have been blessed to live this experience and being able to lift up the level of my awareness in life.

So I decided I would spend my radiation sessions visualising my immune system protecting me from the side effects. The sessions lasted only few minutes: I used to close my eyes, relax and meet Andy, the foreman of my immune system, directing the action of all the small beings populating my body. I must say it was fun: every day, during the session I visualised that they were spraying cooler foam inside my breast. It was a nice, relaxing, an every day ritual. I had read about the power of visualisation in THE JOURNEY so I thought I had nothing to lose in trying. For the first 5 weeks I did not have side effects at all; the last one my skin was externally pink like after a sunburn but according to the medical staff was nothing serious and it did not last long. And never ever got physically tired.

Still I could not have been so strong and positive alone. I was surrounded by LOVE and loving people.

 

 

Copyright 2009 Lorenza Verdini