I am not going to write about my feelings while I was doing the chemotherapy, I am sure that there are thousands of blogs describing carefully the side effects, the pain, the fear, the doubts. I just want to write about what happened into my mind.
I think that the first very important step was ACCEPTANCE. I never felt guilty of having cancer, never thought once why me? I took it the way it was, one drop in the ocean, accepting it had happened. This feeling was good because it enhanced my humbleness towards Life. I do not own my life, I can only honour it. Accepting to have cancer helped me in LETTING IT GO and MOVE ON.
Moving on from cancer was basically the conscious choice NOT TO GIVE IT ENERGY and it happened in a very spontaneous way. I never went on Internet to research information, I did not need to make my mind busy with cold scientific numbers: I asked all the information I needed to my GP whom I trusted completely. I was asking myself a simple question what is the real reason why I am having cancer? I was not questioning my diet, my life-style, my habits, I was very healthy: I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t eat junk food and as the oncologist said I was not the right candidate for breast cancer. But I was not happy. I was not truly happy. I was Mrs.Fixit unsatisfied since too long. So I kept on asking myself what is the message behind this cancer? The more I thought about it, the more I started to get answers that I could not get from any scientific texts or statistics. The answers were coming from my Consciousness, from the inner Wisdom deep inside myself. I was not realising that I was doing a very powerful approach, only listening to my Source.
So I got the answer this cancer is here to teach me COURAGE not fear; to teach me to LOVE LIFE not to live in fear of death.
It was as simple as breathing, as simple as laughing. I understood that it was my wake up call, the dynamics of my body cells had changed to communicate with me I need to trust my body, I need to listen to it, I don’t have to fear my body. So I started very naturally to focus on Life, the blessing of being alive, healthy oh yes, I am healthy, of having four marvellous children and my husband showing me his love and support. I started to live in the MOMENT I AM ALIVE NOW, I am alive and happy now. Whatever happens tomorrow nothing can take this joy away from me. I understood that fear is only a projection in the past or in the future because we never fear things happening in the present: what if the treatment doesn’t work? What if I react to the therapy, what if the oncologist is wrong? What if I am not the right stats and so forth, wasting LIFE ENERGY, losing the right focus.
This awareness was so powerful that I started to feel deeply connected with the Universe, so not only with my family and friends but with everybody and everything. I wanted to be outside in the nature because I was feeling the connection with it so I used to do long walks almost every day, I was happy to share the simple daily life with my family and I was feeling good. I had four chemotherapies, the most effective but also most aggressive type for the body (it destroys ANY cell, regardless if they are good or not) and I was not having side effects besides being bald. Remember I focused on the fact that some people don’t have side effects…
When I started to lose my hair, I was uncomfortable because although I had been honest with the kids on the therapy's side effects, it was traumatic to touch my hair and having my hand full of it. So I decided to get rid of the "problem", I could not afford to be stressed. I bought a trimmer and on the 1st of January I called my kids to shave me. It was the best intuition I could have. The small ones really enjoyed the job, they were part of the action, so I was not losing my hair, they were shaving me, which made a big difference in their mind. Then my husband also asked them to shave him, so we were the same. They never felt I was different or ugly, they accepted bandanna mum and at home I never wore something to hide my baldness.
Being bald has been a very interesting experience because I was always very critical with my thin straight hair, so the Universe thought it was time to make me change attitude. I found out I have a beautiful perfectly round head with a big mole on it, and I liked it so much that I was very comfortable with my new clean look; once I rushed out of the garage to go fetch the kids from school that I forgot to wear my bandanna! I did not care about what people could think I just carried on living a normal life, enjoying it at its fullest.
I lost my hair all over my body and instead of feeling ugly felt lucky you see? that is how it is going to be when you are an old granny, so you know, you are prepared I mean I could turn every single thing I was experiencing into a positive and enriching one.
Once somebody asked my youngest daughter “how is your mum?” she replied, “fine, she is not sick, she has got only cancer”. She was only 5 and a half at the time. The kids could see I was fine, I was happy.
With the feeling of happiness to be alive and fulfilled, after the second chemo I started to feel that Adolph was shrinking. I did not dare believing in what I was witnessing but it was really shrinking. After the third chemo the oncologist, exulting for the way I was reacting to the treatment, decided I will have the last treatment in 3 weeks time then I would do an ultrasound to check the size of the tumour and from there we would take our steps.
Soon it would be my birthday and other fantastic things were about to happen.
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