I am driving to a place that I know only because there is one of the best fish restaurants in town, own by a gentle Portuguese man ,Pedro, who seems to come out of one of Pessoa´s novel . My kids are busy with birthday parties, it is break up day, the term, the school year is finished, summer is just here to promise wonderful time, everybody is cheerful. I am alone. Today the sky is absolutely breathless, a storm is coming, the colors change into all the shades and hues of grey, dark blue, black. Why there should be black in the sky? I feel like the sky, upset, and I don´ t know why. I feel like a storm is going to happen into my life. I am never worried when I go for checkups, what is this sneaky anxiety that does not leave me alone? I am listening to classical music, it must be Vivaldi or Boccherini, I don´t know, I am not paying attention to the radio speaker talking softly to me. It is just the sound of immortal music that mixes up with the sounds of life outside. Immortal sounds of life...the noisy taxis, people screaming in the street, people calling each other and waving hands, women walking slowly, carrying heavily their backs. I am witnessing all this in slow motion and the sounds reach me the same way they reach a baby in the womb. But I don´ t feel protected today, my car is not my mother´s womb. I park my car and find the place and silently go into the waiting room. It is only a mammogram...the lump is nothing, you always had lumps in your breast... I go for it and go back into the waiting room with a bunch of ladies busy reading the most useless magazines. The lady calls me for an ultrasound why? It wasn´t planned, it must be their careful and professional attention. When there is a lump they prefer to check with an ultrasound as well is she telling me the truth? I lay down on the bed in silence waiting for the doctor to come in, there is no noise except for my wild heart beat. She comes in , introduces herself politely but she looks serious "I am not happy with your mammogram" I beg your pardon? "I am not happy at all with your mammogram" what do you mean? I don´t understand, what language are you talking to me... "There is calcification around your lump and the lump is big. I am sorry but this is not good news, we must do a biopsy now" I cannot talk, I cannot breathe, my heart has stopped beating there must be a mistake with somebody else. My head is spinning, I don´ understand what is going on, what this three lovely ladies are doing now to my body, I am not even scared of the long needle that is approaching my breast, I just want all this to end and go back home. I have got cancer . Cancer. Cancer. She explains me what is going on now and what will happen in a while but I don´t understand a word. Cancer. She tells me that we must wait for the biopsy result probably in 24/36 hours and please don´t lose hope. Cancer. I start crying, finally I understand where I am I have got cancer, I have got four children One lady brings me a glass of water and asks me if she can call my husband no thanks , he´s busy. I have got cancer I take my time to recover myself, my breast is bleeding, my heart is bleeding, time has suddenly stopped. I take every warm hug that those marvelous angels can give me, a lifeless doll in their arms. I need to fetch my kids, I need to go home. I don´t know how I succeed in finding my car, the lady at the parking toll looks at me but I don´t care cancer . I cannot help crying but I must stop it because I cannot see and I am driving. The people at the robot look at this woman who is sobbing alone in the car...It is raining hard outside, the storm has arrived, it is raining on my heart, it is raining on my life, it is raining on my children, it is raining on my future what am I going to tell them? I think of my children and a knife goes deep inside my heart...I think of my family and I feel devastated, I think of my husband and I know he´ll survive (let us all smile on this one). I don´t remember exactly how I succeed in fetching the kids from their parties and say goodbye to the friends, my kids find weird I am wearing sunglasses on a stormy day. I know it isn´t weird.
Once back home I try to hide myself from the evidence of being so upset with the excuse of a migraine, which I really have. I need to rest because of the wound from the biopsy but it is so difficult with the kids excited that the school is over and we are going to Italy for our white Christmas in few days time. I try to handle the situation letting them watch a DVD to distract them. Cancer. My husband notices my eyes and asks "how was the mammogram" I cannot verbalize a word in answer. Then, once the kids in bed, I finally go to my bedroom and cry all the sorrow and fear I have hold in the last few hours. I have cancer That is the only thing I can communicate him who is going to love and take care of my children? He is speechless how can they grow without me? He tries to rationalize solutions but I look at him drained. What are we doing now?
We spend the rest of the night in tears, hugging each other. At a certain point of the night, although exhausted , I start feeling an inner peace, something or somebody whispers in my ears EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT. I smile at my husband and finally fall asleep .
Copyright 2009 Lorenza Verdini
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